Update

It has been a long while again blog.

I can't say I have missed writing in this all that much. 

Last time I wrote in this, well, I have no idea what was going on then, I was not myself. I was doing things that make you forget and I am still suffering from the effects. Despite me having stopped in February this year, staying off everything even alcohol (except for special occasions) However, recently I've started again, It doesn't help much, but I'm just trying to find ways to cope.

I still am not myself, but, I think, I am trying to find out who I really am; who I am going to become.

So this year I have moved house twice, I'm not going into details as to why because, now, it is neither here nor there. We'll leave it as I now live in a house with a live in landlord who is awesome, to say the least. So far, it has been the best place I've lived.

I'm currently waiting for a DBS check for a new job, I am excited to start. I am also feeling terrified and very alone in this.

I have been to the doctors a lot recently because my health is just down the pan at the moment, Because I've been having unwanted stress reactions and I've generally been feeling unsure of myself, I have also made an appointment to see a counsellor. I wonder if it'll do me any good. Probably not because it never has in the past but these days, I am so desperate to find a place within myself where I can honestly say the words "I'm doing fine" that I am willing to do anything to try.

That is a general sum up.

Now, for the reason that I started to write a post.

I am trying to write a book. A wise woman told me I should take something from my own life and write about it. At first I thought she meant to write an autobiography of myself, To which I thought "No one in the entire world would believe that a)half the stuff had even happened and b) that any of it could have all happened to the same person"

And then she explained.

Why not take one of my experiences and make it into a book.

Obviously the choice here is "which, of the million things, should I write about?"

So I thought. I thought long and hard. I had already decided which thing I would write about, I just hadn't been able to decide how I would manage to do it without hurting myself in the process. By the end of writing it will no longer contain any links to me, but whilst I'm writing it it's all going to hit very close to home. But it is quite a common issue these days. Even if most people don't know it,

If anything, I think it could help people who have also been through similar situations.

I started this post to help me to start writing the book. 

I think I'm ready.

By the way, the wise woman was my sister, naturally,

Being shit

I forget that what I do or say can influence others.

I assume that no one gives a shit until, suddenly, I realise that someone is hurt because of something that I didn't even know they were paying attention to, or care about.

It's like my insides are sore and I think everyone knows this and therefore doesn't listen to anything I do because they know that's not what I'm really like or really think. But you can't see inside a persons head and know how messed up they're feeling. If they're good at hiding it, even if they aren't trying to, then you'll just think they're doing fine. I want someone to see what's going on in there and not take it personally. But I think I've shut it up too well for too long.
I guess I've realised that even the smallest, most insignificant of people can have the biggest impact on anyone else.

seven months

It's difficult to know what to write after seven months of not writing anything here.
For a start I just had to fanny about with making this work on my phone because half the keys on my laptop don't work and I had to try four times to get the first sentence out right, and I was not going to do that for an entire post. Although I'm not sure if the autocorrect on here is actually any better. My old phone used to just make every word correctly spelt without me doing anything, this phone makes me pick out the right word after I press the wrong letter with my fat thumbs. So every other word is wrong.
Anyway, I have nothing interesting to report about the past seven months. I had a job, got rid of my job, had some time off, started thinking about getting another one but I dunno. It's nice not having responsibilities for a while. Like real nice. I don't remember the last time I didn't have to worry about anything. I doubt anyone is reading this now anyway, plus typing too much on this phone pisses me off so over and out.

Having a job

Negatives about having a job:

-I have to wake up early sometimes
-I have to shower regularly
-I have to find clothes to wear that are not only clean but look vaguely fashionable (I have yet to succeed on this point)
-I have to be on my feet. All. Day.
-I have to be nice and polite.

Positives about having a job:

-Well, at some point I'll get paid.

Though, the first pay will have to be spent buying clothes I don't like or need so that I don't lose the job for my lack of fashion sense.
But in the long run I should be able to afford to do my restricted licence.
But I'll have to figure out taxes..
And work out how to stop my benefits.. and how to pay rent where I live... possibly move out... So much stuuuuuff...

In essence, the good point about having a job is kind of a mixed negative too.

Third floor of the house

Positives about living on the third floor of the house:

-  No murderer is ever going to bother to walk up all dem stairs to kill me, and if he does I'll have enough time after hearing the first murder to jump out the window to the roof, onto the conservatory and down to the ground and run away.


Negatives about living on the third floor of the house:

-  I have to walk up and down all them damn stairs every day just to get a drink.

Hmm.. new year's

So last year I was talking about how this week in between Christmas and New year is a non-week
This year I've come to the conclusion that it is a bit more of a panic week of what the hell have I achieved this year; where the fuck is my life going; how the hell have I survived and how the fuck will I survive until next year.

I don't have any new years resolutions.
I've got nothing I really want to achieve.
I'd like to aim to be living somewhere where I am near friends and people I like. Preferably not in a house or flat with any other people. I'd like to be a close enough distance from where I'm working so that I can always walk to work should I have any issues with my bike. I'd like to be able to still have my bike, preferably have the money to do my full license and have the money to actually buy a bigger bike. I'd like to have a nice job of something I actually want to be doing everyday.
But these are all lifetime goals really. These are just my plans for the next few years. Overall, these things are just things I want to get done as soon as possible so that I can keep them forever.
I have no real desire to find a boyfriend, no real desire to lose weight, no real desire to give up smoking (though in a year or so, or whenever I've settled my life I will want to then), I don't feel that I need to enjoy life more - with the way my life is at the moment, I'm enjoying as much as possible; when my situation changes I'll  enjoy whatever else there is to enjoy as well, and I don't really feel that I'm disorganised so I don't need to fix that.

Basically there is nothing that I can physically really change in the next year that I would want to.. I suppose my resolution would just be to.. well keep going with life and keep trying to get where I want to be.

It's not really a resolution cause I pretty much do that already.

Chriiiistmas

Are you feeling the Christmas spirit? Cause ya'know, if not fucking hurry up and find it cause it's Christmas eve already!!

I've been feeling Christmassy since before the beginning of December.. except there was nothing I could do about it except make a mildly Christmassy profile picture for my facebook...

It's not like I can decorate where I live... For a start I don't have any decorations and then there's the whole not having space for them in my room.
I helped my sister to decorate her house - homemade tree decorations from last year and trying to make the tree actually stand up straight -.-

I really didn't think that I'd have money to be able to do everything for Christmas this year, what with the whole bike thing.... (that still actually isn't really fixed, but more because I'm lazy) But now I've sat here and wrapped up all my presents that I had the money to buy and they all look pretty and I'm pretty sure they're all going to be appreciated.

I think I just wanted to wish everyone a happy Christmas... I'm off to make Christmas cakes (: