Update

It has been a long while again blog.

I can't say I have missed writing in this all that much. 

Last time I wrote in this, well, I have no idea what was going on then, I was not myself. I was doing things that make you forget and I am still suffering from the effects. Despite me having stopped in February this year, staying off everything even alcohol (except for special occasions) However, recently I've started again, It doesn't help much, but I'm just trying to find ways to cope.

I still am not myself, but, I think, I am trying to find out who I really am; who I am going to become.

So this year I have moved house twice, I'm not going into details as to why because, now, it is neither here nor there. We'll leave it as I now live in a house with a live in landlord who is awesome, to say the least. So far, it has been the best place I've lived.

I'm currently waiting for a DBS check for a new job, I am excited to start. I am also feeling terrified and very alone in this.

I have been to the doctors a lot recently because my health is just down the pan at the moment, Because I've been having unwanted stress reactions and I've generally been feeling unsure of myself, I have also made an appointment to see a counsellor. I wonder if it'll do me any good. Probably not because it never has in the past but these days, I am so desperate to find a place within myself where I can honestly say the words "I'm doing fine" that I am willing to do anything to try.

That is a general sum up.

Now, for the reason that I started to write a post.

I am trying to write a book. A wise woman told me I should take something from my own life and write about it. At first I thought she meant to write an autobiography of myself, To which I thought "No one in the entire world would believe that a)half the stuff had even happened and b) that any of it could have all happened to the same person"

And then she explained.

Why not take one of my experiences and make it into a book.

Obviously the choice here is "which, of the million things, should I write about?"

So I thought. I thought long and hard. I had already decided which thing I would write about, I just hadn't been able to decide how I would manage to do it without hurting myself in the process. By the end of writing it will no longer contain any links to me, but whilst I'm writing it it's all going to hit very close to home. But it is quite a common issue these days. Even if most people don't know it,

If anything, I think it could help people who have also been through similar situations.

I started this post to help me to start writing the book. 

I think I'm ready.

By the way, the wise woman was my sister, naturally,

Being shit

I forget that what I do or say can influence others.

I assume that no one gives a shit until, suddenly, I realise that someone is hurt because of something that I didn't even know they were paying attention to, or care about.

It's like my insides are sore and I think everyone knows this and therefore doesn't listen to anything I do because they know that's not what I'm really like or really think. But you can't see inside a persons head and know how messed up they're feeling. If they're good at hiding it, even if they aren't trying to, then you'll just think they're doing fine. I want someone to see what's going on in there and not take it personally. But I think I've shut it up too well for too long.
I guess I've realised that even the smallest, most insignificant of people can have the biggest impact on anyone else.

seven months

It's difficult to know what to write after seven months of not writing anything here.
For a start I just had to fanny about with making this work on my phone because half the keys on my laptop don't work and I had to try four times to get the first sentence out right, and I was not going to do that for an entire post. Although I'm not sure if the autocorrect on here is actually any better. My old phone used to just make every word correctly spelt without me doing anything, this phone makes me pick out the right word after I press the wrong letter with my fat thumbs. So every other word is wrong.
Anyway, I have nothing interesting to report about the past seven months. I had a job, got rid of my job, had some time off, started thinking about getting another one but I dunno. It's nice not having responsibilities for a while. Like real nice. I don't remember the last time I didn't have to worry about anything. I doubt anyone is reading this now anyway, plus typing too much on this phone pisses me off so over and out.

Having a job

Negatives about having a job:

-I have to wake up early sometimes
-I have to shower regularly
-I have to find clothes to wear that are not only clean but look vaguely fashionable (I have yet to succeed on this point)
-I have to be on my feet. All. Day.
-I have to be nice and polite.

Positives about having a job:

-Well, at some point I'll get paid.

Though, the first pay will have to be spent buying clothes I don't like or need so that I don't lose the job for my lack of fashion sense.
But in the long run I should be able to afford to do my restricted licence.
But I'll have to figure out taxes..
And work out how to stop my benefits.. and how to pay rent where I live... possibly move out... So much stuuuuuff...

In essence, the good point about having a job is kind of a mixed negative too.

Third floor of the house

Positives about living on the third floor of the house:

-  No murderer is ever going to bother to walk up all dem stairs to kill me, and if he does I'll have enough time after hearing the first murder to jump out the window to the roof, onto the conservatory and down to the ground and run away.


Negatives about living on the third floor of the house:

-  I have to walk up and down all them damn stairs every day just to get a drink.

Hmm.. new year's

So last year I was talking about how this week in between Christmas and New year is a non-week
This year I've come to the conclusion that it is a bit more of a panic week of what the hell have I achieved this year; where the fuck is my life going; how the hell have I survived and how the fuck will I survive until next year.

I don't have any new years resolutions.
I've got nothing I really want to achieve.
I'd like to aim to be living somewhere where I am near friends and people I like. Preferably not in a house or flat with any other people. I'd like to be a close enough distance from where I'm working so that I can always walk to work should I have any issues with my bike. I'd like to be able to still have my bike, preferably have the money to do my full license and have the money to actually buy a bigger bike. I'd like to have a nice job of something I actually want to be doing everyday.
But these are all lifetime goals really. These are just my plans for the next few years. Overall, these things are just things I want to get done as soon as possible so that I can keep them forever.
I have no real desire to find a boyfriend, no real desire to lose weight, no real desire to give up smoking (though in a year or so, or whenever I've settled my life I will want to then), I don't feel that I need to enjoy life more - with the way my life is at the moment, I'm enjoying as much as possible; when my situation changes I'll  enjoy whatever else there is to enjoy as well, and I don't really feel that I'm disorganised so I don't need to fix that.

Basically there is nothing that I can physically really change in the next year that I would want to.. I suppose my resolution would just be to.. well keep going with life and keep trying to get where I want to be.

It's not really a resolution cause I pretty much do that already.

Chriiiistmas

Are you feeling the Christmas spirit? Cause ya'know, if not fucking hurry up and find it cause it's Christmas eve already!!

I've been feeling Christmassy since before the beginning of December.. except there was nothing I could do about it except make a mildly Christmassy profile picture for my facebook...

It's not like I can decorate where I live... For a start I don't have any decorations and then there's the whole not having space for them in my room.
I helped my sister to decorate her house - homemade tree decorations from last year and trying to make the tree actually stand up straight -.-

I really didn't think that I'd have money to be able to do everything for Christmas this year, what with the whole bike thing.... (that still actually isn't really fixed, but more because I'm lazy) But now I've sat here and wrapped up all my presents that I had the money to buy and they all look pretty and I'm pretty sure they're all going to be appreciated.

I think I just wanted to wish everyone a happy Christmas... I'm off to make Christmas cakes (:

Profile photos

National Blog Posting Month

My current Facebook profile picture is of me at Halloween.

It was the first time I have ever done anything for Halloween. So I dressed up as a teddy bear.. or rather dressed a bit down.
My big sister lent me a corset she had, which is beautiful, on the condition that I did not ruin it. I did not ruin it because I was not drinking.
I have to say, I was the hottest girl out last Thursday, I really was.
I didn't want to come across as too much of a slut so I wore jeans. So the only part of me that was exposed was my gorgeous cleavage. Which isn't shown well in this picture (neither is my face) and I also wore my first pair of heels.
Shut up I know it's weird to get to halfway through being 18 and not have worn heels before. I've just never been bothered.
I had to ride my bike in this corset. IT WAS NOT EASY.
But I'm a fucking boss so I managed.
(I was wearing my protective gear over the top cause it was freezing and would've been silly not to, so no one knew what kind of hell I was going through as I rode. It would have looked super hot if I hadn't been wearing protective stuff though no? hahaha )

Before I changed to this photo a couple of days ago, I had one of me playing with my niece. It was really cute. Quite a lot of the time my profile pictures are of me and my niece, partly because my sister just seems to be able to get a good photo of me, and partly because my niece is always smiling in them and that just makes any photo pretty.
I can see why people constantly think I have a child of my own - I just want to make completely sure right now that everyone knows that I do not have a kid of my own. I couldn't deal with the nappies every single day.

My photo that goes with my bog is of me on my 18th birthday. I just think it's a pretty picture of me. I didn't really do anything for my 18th so there aren't any crazy photos of me with my boobs out and vomit down myself - cannot understand why people do that AND take photos of it and show people. Can't understand why someone would do that at all.

What's a 'Fearne'?

National Blog Posting Month

On my blog, you get 100% unadulterated, uncensored Fearne.

Or do you?

What you get on my blog is whatever thoughts come into my head whilst I'm writing.. But there are certain things or feelings that I won't write about - I've literally just sat there trying to write an example of something I would never write on here, and I couldn't. I think on my blog you really get the rawest side of me - stuff that I maybe wouldn't feel comfortable talking about in person but don't mind people knowing.

Any other websites that I use I am completely different on. I use facebook to be funny- the majority of my facebook statuses are amusing (or I think that they are) I use facebook to chat to my friends (but on private messaging so that doesn't count) and to show off how awesome my niece and nephew are.

I've literally only just started to use twitter.

Any other website I use or have an account with, I am completely anonymous.

I like to pretend I'm someone else for a while. I like to not have to worry about what someone is going to respond with to something I say, because they have no idea who I am. If I feel like moaning about anything - stuff that I can't on here because of who might be reading, I can do it anonymously instead. It's great. I can say anything I want, and someone out there will agree with whatever it is, or someone will give me a good argument on it without bringing in personal things because, well, we don't know each other so we can't do that.

So pretty much, you can't get to know the whole me online.

NaBloPoMo - falling into place

National Blog Posting Month

"Tell us about a time everything fell into place perfectly"

How about never?

Look at me, my life is a wreck!

• I don't particularly like where I'm living - It's just until I can afford somewhere that is mine.
• I have had to quit my first real job that I loved because I can't afford to have one.
• I'm doing a third year of college because the first two got mucked up by shit happening, and now I don't see much point in doing this year because I can only achieve gaining one full a level overall from my three years, and really, what help is that going to be?
• I am pretty much guaranteed to spend the next year of my life fighting off stupid problems that could have been prevented had someone done their job properly
• I honestly actually have no idea what job I genuinely want to do for the rest of my life - the navy is still my top option, however, I don't want to go straight into that kind of job.

The navy, the way I see it, is a pretty sheltered job. Yeah, risking life etc, but they give you a place to live, they pay you a bunch, you have job security and you aren't living in the rest of the world - it'll be like living in a completely different, separate part of the world. Before I join, I want to experience the good parts of the world I currently know. Cause I know there are some. 
I am sort of glad I gone brokeded me jaw, cause it means I have to wait 12 months after it has fixed before I can join anyway, which means I got an excuse to enjoy life before I start my new one.

I can only do that if I manage to get myself a full time job when I finish college in like May/June. 
But it took me years to get the job that I just had to quit. Although my boss would be happy to have me come back if there's a vacancy. So I hope someone gets fired when I need a job - bitch level 8.5?

HOWEVER.
I'm one of those shitbags that thinks that it all happens for a reason. Which is why whenever I find myself homeless, I can stay positive because I know that this is just a stage of my life, and that the good bits are waiting for me at the other end. I figure that my life will start to get better when I have a stable income and a decent place to live that is my own. and I'm figuring this will happen in my 20's. probably my mid 20's. Hopefully by the time I'm 30.

Which will of course mean that by the end of my life, everything will have 'fell into place perfectly'

This is one of the songs that help me to remember that everything will turn out the way it is supposed to, because sometimes I do forget that.

Guy Fawkes Night

National Blog Posting Month

Guy Fawkes Night

I'm not a big fan of fireworks - I don't particularly like going to muddy fields to watch them and get cold because I always get worried that something will go wrong and we'll all die (over exaggeration?)

They're really loud and the pretty colours only stay in the sky a few seconds, and NEVER have I seen the kind of fireworks that make words in the sky for real, so I've started to think that might just be a movie thing, which is irritating.

When I was younger my oldest brother brought his girlfriend and her two children over and did some fireworks in the back garden for them, me and my other sister. I don't really remember much about it, I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it, but I also remember that one of the rockets wasn't in it's place properly before it went off and I think my brother almost hurt himself trying to et it straight before it went off. I don't know whether it was okay or not, I think I was about seven or eight maybe... no idea.


In 2009 my big sister took me and her friend plus their boyfriend to a firework night.
I liked being there - my sister let me wear her really nice bench coat that was really warm, but as you can see in the picture, I didn't have any fashion sense back then, and I was a lot fatter and my hair was awful and I could continue that list but no.

Honestly I don't remember much about that night - I know there were fireworks, pretty sure my sister bought me some chips or a burger or something from the van, there was a packet of maltesers because I found another picture and I was holding some, and there was a bonfire with the guy on it. Which I remember thinking was the first time I'd actually seen that part of bonfire night.

Other than this time actually, I don't remember going out to a firework night - I think it was always a 'look out of the bedroom window' jobbie mostly. As you can see I have a sparkler, and I know I had a nice night because I always liked it when my sister spent time with me(still do - she's pretty fun) but I think I was worried about burning my fingers on the sparkler (I swear I'm retarded.)

As I write this post there's bloody fireworks going off and all I'm thinking is "Shut up I am trying to write"

So I don't think the fifth of November holds much importance to me. 

LIARS

This is a part of National Blog Posting Month

Am I easily tricked?
Do I fall for things?


Well, yes and no
If you tell me there is a spider in/on/around me ( OMG I wrote in? HOW could a spider be in me? I don't even want to think about that. That would be horrible.) I will ALWAYS immediately believe you and have a freak out until I can't find something (ten minutes later I will check again)
It's got to a point where people can just cup their hands together and I'll think there's a spider in there (Thanks sister, for spending our childhood doing this enough to make it a problem in my life now -.- )
You just have to look at the wall behind me a bit funny.

You can tell me a big lie about what you did over the weekend and I'll believe you because I see no reason to lie about what you did over the weekend - it could be known to me that you haven't much money and I'll still believe that you went to a five star hotel for three days in Spain.

However. I am these days a lot more suspicious about what people say to me
I'm not good at telling when people are lying, so quite often, you'll say something like that to me and initially I'll be like, wow cool, that must have been a really fun holiday, what did you get up to?!
And a bit later I'll be over thinking everything you said about it.
Which basically means that, to begin with, I believe everything you say, two hours later I won't believe any of it. And then you'll say something else and I'll believe that until I start over thinking that as well.


I'm trying to just not have friends that lie these days.
I'm sick of people lying to me - It happens so often.

Puddle or Leaves?

*To be read in a newsreader voice*

Good evening everybody, and welcome, to today with 'National Blog Posting Month'. On this wet miserable day we have a rather serious question upon us: Which is better for jumping-in purposes - a pile of leaves, or a puddle? Join us now to find out!

We asked fifteen people which option they would prefer to jump in. Personally, we thought that the answers would be evenly distributed. However, this was not the case!

Seven of those fifteen decided jumping leaves would be more fun.. Or rather, going by their explanations, would be noisier and keep them from getting wet.

Here are some examples of the explanations given:

"Leaves because they are the crunchiest shit ever. 

And water stays there afterwards - leaves don't."

"Leaves because then I won't get wet"

(This exact response came from two different people)

"A puddle would get my feet wet. Plus if I jumped well enough leaves would go flying about and I would feel like I can CONTROL THE WIND *evil laugh* "

Four of the eight other responses were all for getting wet in a puddle, rather than dicking about in the leaves.

The main reason for jumping in a puddle rather than leaves was that you can actually see what you're jumping in with a puddle, and it would only be water that you'd get on you.

Our favourite response from the puddle people was:

"Puddle. Because I am a fearless bastard"

The other thing we found with the puddle people was that two of the responders were actually in a relationship, and their reasoning was that they they like the rain because it is fun. 

"Awwwwwwww"

The remaining four respondents. One said leaves, so long as they weren't wet because wet leaves are "Icky"

Another just simply replied "Jack Daniels" which caused us here to go and get ourselves a drink.

One thought that either could be a trap, a booby trap, and then continued to talk about boobs.

The last person didn't reply.

Perhaps the last three respondents described were all at the same party.

So there you have it people, Dry Leaves are the best thing to jump in, and my friends are pretentious pricks that don't like getting a little wet or muddy!

Personally, We like jumping in big splashy puddles and then going over to roll in a bunch of crunchy leaves until they are a soggy mess.

"Leaves because leaves are awesome....

I'm not going to have leaves thrown at me am I?"

Cinnamon

So today for NaBloPoMo the topic is 'My favourite autumn flavour'

It actually says autumnal, but I can't say that word very well cause it doesn't seem like a real one to me.

Uh, to be honest I don't really know.
I kind of eat the same things all year round

But I like cinnamon. And that's autumn-y
The past couple weeks (it's technically been autumn, have you looked at the weather? ) I've been drinking this really nice cinnamon coffee - I don't know what it's called because I threw the jar out cause I finished it, and it was just downstairs in the kitchen cause no one else liked it. But it tasted amazing. Specially using mostly warm milk with it instead of hot water. I may have to start buying a cinnamon coffee from costa when I'm in town like my sister does.
I also always buy and eat the cinnamon swirls that tesco make. In the mornings, they're still warm, so the inside bit that's cinnamon is all nice and gooey. I only like them when there's a decent amount of the cinnamon stuff in them though - sometimes some of them don't have much - as though the bakers were trying to skimp out. They're basically just pastry that it twirled around in a circle with sticky cinnamon stuff in it to stick the pastry together, and has a little icing drizzled over the top. Not particularly healthy but reeeal tasty.

National Blog Posting Month

I'm gonna take part in NaBloPoMo.

It stands for National Blog Posting Month.
The list of prompts for this is here
I basically post something every day for this month using those prompts

I want a way to get me to write a lot of posts - the perfect way is for me to take part in this! I may be a day late starting but hey!
This is also cool cause it's my 100th post to my blog (:

So the first topic is something that you don't know about me.

I miss living in the supported housing place that I used to last year.

Which is crazy.
I started this blog basically because I hated living there so much. In this post I talk about what an average night was like there.
I hated it so much!
But when I think back, I probably hated it mostly because of my flat mate. Whilst I was there I had a place to live where people didn't just come into my room for no reason, I had a lock on my door, I had my own kitchen (I didn't ever use it because of the flat mate) and if I had a problem my support worker was supposed to help me with it, or basically just sort it for me if she could. Yeah I didn't like any of the other staff much at all, but I didn't really ever have to see them.
I wish that I had never moved out because that would mean I would be living in the centre of town and not be stuck living out in the middle of nowhere at the moment
And the week before I moved out, my flat mate had been kicked out and I met what would have been my new one the day I moved out - and she was lovely.
I actually have proof that she really was a lovely person because it turns out that she actually lived with the people I currently do now for a little bit before she moved there.
So that's something that I haven't really told anyone. Because I hated it so much whilst I was there they'd think I was crazy.

I have lots of feelings.

So every now and then things get on top of me. I feel like everything is going wrong and nothing goes right. Well. It's true. Since the beginning of this blog a year ago what's happened that's really made my life any better than it was a year ago today?
It's extremely easy to pick out the negatives. Since last year I have been hurt by many people. They've thrown me out on the streets multiple times, they've caused me to make decisions I haven't wanted to. They've made me upset, angry, scared. I've had to deal with the threat of abuse, loneliness and heartache. I feel these things so strongly. In the last year I have learnt things about my past that I kind of wish I hadn't and almost daily I am somehow reminded of them and it makes me sad. I've had to deal with broken motorcycles. I've had to deal with not having any money. Had to deal with not knowing where my friends lay. It's been difficult to find which parts of my family are actually here for me. I don't talk to some of them. Some of them don't talk to me. Some of this is by choice, and some of it, I just don't know what's going on and it scares me. It's difficult dealing with a large family. The amount of times in the past year that I have just wanted to lie down, have a little bubble come up around me and protect me from all the bad things. It's difficult to say if I actually am better off where I am now, or where I was last year.
But I don't want to undo any of it.
This post isn't about how shit everything gets for me. I'm here to pull out my positives.
That sounds dirty.
First, this time last year I was doing college courses that I didn't enjoy and thought I had to keep at anyway when really I could have changed them if I tried really hard. Now I'm really enjoying the new courses I'm doing.
A little bit before this time last year - septembery - I had a horrible flat mate that made me hide away in my room and be scared to even come out and shower. I'm not going to lie. I often only showered once a week when I was sure she was out. Which is disgusting. I washed as best I could and I'm so glad I was wearing wigs then because my hair was rank from not being able to actually wash it. Sometimes I would need to pee so badly but be scared to go to the bathroom. So I'd get dressed and walk into town and use public ones. Although now sometimes I get nervous going downstairs to use the shower, because if the door to the bathroom is shut I can't tell if someone is in there, I force myself to go and find out instead of cowering upstairs. Because stupid little things like that scare me. I also now have a toilet that only I really use.
Last year I had no idea what I wanted to do. Six months ago, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. And now, well, I've got ideas for things I want to do, and I've accepted that it's okay to not know exactly, and to be vague about it.
This time last year I had few friends. I mean I had friends, but I didn't have any really that I could trust completely. Honestly, I still don't quite have that. But I do have people in my life that I can count on.
Last year, I couldn't admit something to myself because it scared me. I'm not saying what it is. But I'm not afraid any more. And there's only one person that might know what it is, but I doubt it because they don't read my blog much because I pestered them too much to last year. Neither of us really mention my blog any more.


A year ago, no matter how much I told myself I was, I was not completely happy. And I've come to realise that I am still not completely happy. But it's okay, because my life has been difficult and it's bound to show through sometimes as sadness or anger. But I do know that these days, I'm a lot happier than I've ever been. And it can only get better.

Even I am not unlucky enough to be worse off than I am now, at this time next year.

What the fuck - typed up

So couple days ago I got really pissed off.
I wrote a short post and promised to write more about it when my face didn't hurt so much.
Basically, I had an appointment to go down to the job centre for no specified reason. I was told that not attending would mean the cancellation of my benefits. I had meant to go down the week before but I was stuck in a hospital bed so my lovely sister had to call up and change the appointment for me.
Well, turned out that it was just to check my circumstances hadn't changed. Actually they have. Because I got a job. That I love to pieces. I do between 8 and 12 hours a week depending on what is needed and don't know exactly until I am in the middle of a shift or sometimes later. Which I don't have a problem with.
I around abouts make the same amount of money as I get a week from my income support.
So I was expecting them to want to reduce that a bit.
You think about it - if I'm working, I have the same expenses as when I'm not, except I also have to travel to work. So If I'm working and not receiving income support, I need to be earning the amount of money I need to pay transport on top of the amount that is equal to my income support.
Income support people don't understand that. Simply earning almost the emount of my income support each week means that I no longer receive income support.
Okay, that means I'm going to really have to cut back on essentials like food, but it is probably doable. Maybe I'll lose weight as well.
Sure okay, much better to be working because I like my job and it means that I like the money I have better because I had to work for it.
However, not only does earning around the amount of my income support stop my income support, it also stops my housing benefit. Which already doesn't cover the cost of my rent. My housing benefit is a higher amount than my income support. Which means I am expected to pay my rent when I'm earning less than what my rent is, also be able to pay petrol to get to work, and buy life essentials such as food. And they don't see a problem with this.
So I'm not sure what options I have if I want to stay alive other than quitting my job.
Which I don't want to do because I need experience and I like it there. This job was really difficult to find, and when I leave college in about June, without experience no one is going to hire me. Which means I will be stuck with nothing to fill my time and be put on bloody job seekers allowance. Which I've heard is a nightmare.

How do I deal with this?

What the fuck?!

I went to a meeting today and found out that I am better off with not having a job and being on benefits because if I keep working my measly 8-12 hours a week, I lose my income support, and I lose my housing benefit. My working 12 hours a week is just about equal to my income support. How the fuck do they expect me to pay rent?!?!?
I am mad about this, but my face is too much pain to write more about it than that. Will write about this when there is no more pain. Going to watch big bang theory now.

You guys have been checking for this post.

So the world has decided to test me again.
This month quite a few people have said how I am the most unlucky person that I've come across. Until now I've been like, but there must be someone else who is unlucky, you just can't think of them at the moment. But I think I'm now agreeing. I can't think of any one of my friends who have had a life like mine. The worst part about this, is that my friends don't even know half of what's gone on in my life.
Right now, it is extremely difficult for me to not go down into that dark place where I just wallow. I keep thinking, it would have been a lot easier if I had just died when I came off my bike. That is actually the truth though. If I had died, I wouldn't have any of these new problems to be sorting out. But I would also be dead. which would be pretty shit after  having come through everything I ever have. So I know it's difficult for me looking for positives right now (especially when I'm in so much pain with my jaw as well) But I know that when I've sorted this, I'm going to feel very happy. I'm going to feel very proud of myself for not giving up. And it doesn't matter if I'm the only person who is proud of me, because I'm the only person who needs to be because I'm the only person who has to live this particular life. And I would not want to have someone else live it.
For now, I'm just going to have to sit tight, and keep sucking thin liquids between my teeth. Because I can't separate my teeth enough to even fit the tiniest straw possible through there. And it hurts to suck anything thicker than water (which actually hurts to do as well) through my teeth and then swallow it because my face is swollen, my teeth are being pulled which hurts (more than what braces do guys, so I don't want to hear any of your braces whining any more) and my neck is sore obviously.
I'm actually just kind of achey all over as well.

You can't see well, but this is before they did anything to my jaw and it's to the side

What happened when I came off is, I think, that I came flying off my bike and hit my chin on the road before  anything else. Even with a fitting helmet that would still have caused damage. I was told off for wearing a helmet too big for me and then they CRITICISED ME FOR NOT WEARING THE OPEN FACE HELMET THAT FITS ME. OPEN FACE. Imagine the damage that would have been cause if I'd worn the open face. Seriously. I would have lost my jaw. I would still have been the most beautiful person in Salisbury, but I wouldn't have had a jaw.

Trying to open my mouth with the metal plates in

In my mouth they have wired in some metal plates on the top and bottom rows of teeth that have hooks that go into my gums and have hooked elastics onto them as well. real strong elastics that will hold my jaw in place until it has healed.

This is what's in my mouth

You can't really see much in this photo but you get the idea. I haven't yet moaned about them having had to put three cannula's into me during my stay. This should involve giving me three holes in either my arm, wrist of hand. Actually, they decided to cause me more pain and not be able to get the cannula's in right, and take an overall number of ten stabs which are dotted about over my hands, wrist and inside of elbow. One hand alone has five holes.

Bein' a grown up

So I went back to college this week.
Moans and Yays:

Moans
-Too many new fags parking their mopeds in the motorcycle area - can't park
-When there is a space they've all parked so that I can't get to it
-Which means if I park at the back and they all come in and park infront then I won't be able to get out (they should really teach you to park when you take a CBT
-Too many new fags clogging up the corridors
-My timetable doesn't coincide with a lot of my friends so am actually going to have to make some new friends -.-
-It's going to be hard work being at college and having a job (more on that in a bit)
-Bottom line - too many new fags.

Yays
-Get to see my friends again
-I actually have an alright timetable for someone who doesn't haveto get the bus in everyday
-I get an excuse (and petrol money) to ride my bike every day
-I love my new lessons
-Bottom line - college is fun


So yeah, I also went and sort of got a job - Bar work.
This is alongside my 'job' at the hospital
I could be working literally every night of the week, but it's a great atmosphere there so I don't mind it
I still have enough free time (probably/hopefully) to keep up with my college work

Having a job makes me feel like a grown up (hahaha)