Birthday, Bikes and Blood.

So like a week after actually getting my bike I typically with my luck ran over a big ass nail in the ground and got a flat tyre.
That's just me.
But it didn't cost anywhere near as much as I thought to fix it (:
Whilst I was in the bike shop I had a look at the helmets because I've been trying to save up to buy one but they're expensive and the past few months means I haven't been able to yet..
What I found is that I need an extra small, or an extra extra small. because I have a tiny head! All the extra smalls i tried on where too big, however it depends on the make. They guy is gonna order a few in that could fit me and let me try them on before I buy one. There was talk at one point of getting me a children's one. Good thing they don't typically come with a sun visor. Which I need with a helmet because otherwise I can't see in the sunny weather ( that's a funny.. cause I'm in Britain.. where it's always rainy.. never mind.)
When I had a look at my current helmet, I realised that it is actually a medium and that my helmet buying really needs to be my top priority at the moment.

My birthday was great, went for a meal the day before with family, spent the actual day riding my bike around for a bit, met the boyf, went into town and bought my first drink, his mum bought us Chinese which was lovely of her. (Chinese food, not just a little Chinese kid. Damn I wish it was a Chinese kid now.)
Me and boyf went and bought a cigar then, because there's not many other things you can actually then do when you're 18.. buying cigarettes was a no because I've given up ):
Didn't want a party because it's too much hassle.
Me and the boyf spent most of the rest of the day watching films  and hanging out really. Was just the relaxing day I had wanted.

I'm giving blood next week
That should be fun.. I really want to know what blood group I am.
They give you free snacks.
They're free.

Hello?

So it has been a couple of months..
Though nothing particularly good has happened, and I've been more stressed and worried about things than I ever have before; I am very happy and there is no explanation as to why.
Recap of the past couple of months -
had to find a new place to live - had nowhere for a little while and then was placed with a host family, told for a maximum of four weeks. Constantly looking for a flat in between.. blaghblaghblagh...
I'm only under the care of social services, and therefore the host family, until I turn 18.
HOWEVER,
because I am the most awesome person in the world
(AS YOU ALL KNOW)
My host family have said that I can continue living with them after I turn 18, as something called supported lodging..
I'm so glad because I don't want to be living on my own in a flat yet. I want support until I feel that I can live on my own, and without the help of  benefits. I've been looking for a job for so long though.
I am also on a waiting list for another supported housing place.
I went to see P!nk a couple of weeks ago - was a great gig, but the weekend in general was shit- most of you know what happened. I don't want to explain it all on here because, well, whatever I say will be perceived as bitchy.. but whatever.
I didn't get to go and see Killswitch Engage like I wanted to ):
Have still got that boyfriend.. He's alright (;
AND, today I should be going and picking up my bike. Five months after I took my CBT. (almost three months since I bought the insurance too)
But better late than never.

I really haven't wanted to write in here for a while, but a few weeks ago I was thinking about it, and I went and  checked my page for the first time since my last post, and I realised that even though I haven't posted in nearly two months, especially not posting it to facebook, loads of people still check it regularly.
Confidence boost :D

Have no idea if I'll keep posting




OH, and did I mention that it is my 18th this Monday?

Thankyou

I haven't posted in two weeks.

This is because I've had a lot going on, and haven't managed to get my thoughts in order in my head let alone outside of it. It has been difficult, and still very much is.
What has happened in these past two weeks is that I have been made homeless. Again. 

Anyone who knows me or knew me this time last year knows that I was homeless this time last year too.

It's so difficult going back to not having all of my belongings around me and in a place I can go back to after a day of college.

My ex landlords were awful people.

Nver ever trust people who have money or pretend like they have money.

They will screw you over.

They will give you one eviction date, then lie about tenancy agreements and kick you out in a week. Without reason (what it was was that I told them that I do have rights and they couldn't just walk in on me in any room in the house, even though it is their house, because I pay rent to have the right to my own privacy, and they really didn't like that I knew they couldn't do this)

These people broke the law. I'm not going to do anything about it, because I don't want to ruin their lives like they ruined mine, but if they keep threatening me with money and court ( I paid it back - there's no way to prove I have paid it back, but there's also no proof that they even lent it to me, so there's no way they can get more money off me just because they're in debt) Yeah, if they keep threatening me I'm just  going to pull that out,show how they've broken the law, and screw them straight the hell back over.

Cause if they want to push me more, then I will snap and stand up for myself.

So I'm back to being homeless. I went to the council and social services have been made aware. Good thing I've been in their care before (y/n?) cause it means they can just pull out a file on me rather than  make a new one.

They were supposed to find me somewhere for Saturday (my second eviction date) however they didn't, So I was told I would have something today. But no. They've said there will be something for me tomorrow... I am reeaally doubting it.

Good thing I have friends this year around.

They've all been great, putting up with me being stressed at the moment, and by allowing me to crash on their sofas, and cheering me up. I  am forever grateful to those who are there for me.

I don't even...

Things keep going downhill.
I haven't stopped crying in hours now. I just came back from a run. And I still haven't stopped. It's too cold outside. It's snowing. It reminds me of the times I've had to stay outside when it was snowing. And how cold I got.
Everyone in my life turns out to be a terrible person. I'm surprised I don't yet expect everyone to be awful to me all the time. I still have hope that people have good in them. I guess that's good. It means one day, I might meet someone who isn't going to screw me over.
I'm in a stage where I'm thinking, if the world throws one more thing at me, I'm going to give up; I give myself permission to. But the world throws something and I feel like I need something else before I can give up.
So that's good.
I'm not giving up.
I don't have the capacity to let people down by giving up.
I'm gonna keep fighting, but we know it's not for me.



If you know of somewhere, preferably salisbury, where I can rent a room, please, get in contact with me asap.

Rant?

I love it when I see that people have checked my blog when I haven't pestered anyone to, and I haven't even done a post. A lot of people did yesterday. Haven't done a post in a week agaaain.

This is just a quick one anyway.

To bitch that I always hear people have been saying things about me (that aren't true, or have been twisted)

But no one will ever say these things to my face.

It's damn annoying.

If people have so much to say about me (which apparently they do) why the hell don't they just ask me if any of it is true, or bitch to my face?Well, the simple answer is that they're idiots. The slightly longer is that they don't want to find that what they have heard is wrong because it's juicy gossip. And of course, people must know that when they do accuse me of untrue things, and I then hear about it from a string of people, that I would like to punch them in the face, and obviously they won't say these things right to me because they know that I will.

Well, okay, I don't have the actual heart to punch someone, even if I really want to hit someone, I'm always scared of hurting them. But I will defend myself, cause I'm not taking shit from people anymore.

I really honestly don't mind when someone has heard something about me and want to ask me if what they've heard is true, I don't mind putting them straight. But it's when they just automatically believe it. That gets to me.

Anyone who knows me will automatically know that those things aren't true anyway. I don't have the capacity to do those things.

But, to be honest, I guess it's okay to have people bitching about me. Know why?

Because I'm happy.

Even if people will believe twisted truths and downright lies, that doesn't affect that I'm really happy.

And I wouldn't be half as happy as I am if I hadn't felt the true sadness's that I have felt in previous years.

So this is just a big 'Fuck you' to twats who can't keep out of other people's businesses.

(:

Smoking Dragons

Recently a lot of people have been asking me that question. The 'Why do you smoke?' question.
Well, here are my ten reasons for why I smoke:
Before you read them though, I want you to know that I am not addicted to smoking. I just don't find it addictive in any way. I had my first fag back when I was eleven, and I didn't care much for it. Probably because my friend gave me one that she had hidden between some bricks before school, and I just didn't understand it. I still don't like rollies. Throughout secondary school I tried smoking various times. In year eleven I used to nick my friends just because I wanted that lightheaded feeling so that I wouldn't have to think for a while. The main reason I never started smoking myself, was because I didn't have the money. Now I do.
But yeah, it's not an addiction for me, it's a comfortable habit. One that I like and that I don't want to stop yet, because of these reasons:

1. The fags I smoke taste nice. With or without lighting it, it simply just tastes really nice.
2. The ones I buy are the least bad for you. They are about seven pounds for a pack of twenty, which is on the slightly more expensive side of things, but they are less bad for you than a brand like marlborough reds. My brand have less toxins in them, which while still not being good for you, are better than the other brands you get.
3. It's social. There's no way around that. No matter how isolated you make a smoking area, it will always be social. You can start a conversation with anyone when you're both having a nice fag. When I don't want to smoke alone because my friends are off elsewhere, I'll ask someone near me if I can borrow a lighter, and start a conversation with them then.
4. It's very relaxing. If I'm having a stressful day (happens a LOT) when I sit down and have a fag, on my own or with others, I am instantly relieved from my stresses. I worry less and I'll feel more able to cope with the problem
5. Not only does it relax me itself, it gives me those five-ten minutes to think over my problem and work out a good solution
6. Actually helps with my travel sickness. On a bus, I will feel travel sick if the heaters are on, if I'm upstairs, if I am sat on the lower deck in the front seats, especially if they are sideways. The best place for me to not feel sick is downstairs on the seats just before the back ones. Usually the non-drivers side. Having a cigarette just before the bus leaves, I don't know how or why, but it helps me to not feel sick. It doesn't always work, but it'show I've been managing the bus journeys to and from college this year.
7. It occupies time. When I have to wait for something, for instance a bus or for someone to finish up something, I never used to have anything to do to occupy myself before. I never used to know what to do with my hands. Now, I'm like, okay, They're going to be at least ten minutes, I'll have a fag while I wait.
8. It stops me from being hungry. That's an awful reason. Hear me out. When I am at college and I haven't bought any food with me, and I don't have any money, it is very useful to have a tool that will prevent me from being hungry until I get home or I can blag someone into lending me some money, or I can nick someone's chips.
9. I can bargain with myself with fags. I can control exercising and eating better. I can tell myself, if you go for a run that lasts more than an hour, you can have a fag next time you want one. Or if I want to eat something bad for me, like chocolate, I make myself decide between fags and chocolate. I usually choose neither on those occasions, because it's usually a case of having to go outside for either of those, and it's been cold recently.
10. Because of the last two points, I have lost more than a stone over the past month.
And lastly,
11. I can blow smoke out of  my nose and pretend to be a dragon.

Which reminds me, Kieran the dragon turned up at mine the other day, I was shocked to see him. He never calls beforehand. I wish he had though. It seems he has found himself some new friends. They're not dragons, oh no, they're rats.
He turned up on my doorstep the other day, and barged on in before I could say anything, six brown rats with glimmering eyes lined up behind him, smirking at me as they went past. Kieran settled himself on my couch, and set to work entertaining himself and his friends by setting my coffee table on fire with his fire breath. The rats all found places to squish themselves around Kieran. I guess they get around by clinging onto him as he flies.
I still don't know why Kieran turned up at my house. After I put out the coffee table fire, Kieran sent the rats out of the cat flap and he fell asleep. I didn't know what to do. In the end I pulled out my air conditioner, and set it to 'complete ice'. I positioned it to face Kieran, and within seconds, he was in a block of ice.
He's still there. I just didn't want him wrecking more things in my house! I don't know when the rats will be back. I don't know what to do with Kieran as of yet. I guess I'll need to get rid of him before the rats get back.

I scarred people.

Has been ten days since I've written.
I think I have been waiting for some kind of inspiration.
Well, as Henri Matisse said "Don't wait for inspiration; It comes while one is working."
Which I have always remembered from when  I did some artist research that included him from my GCSE art. I must have forgotten for a little while there.
Well, it's not like I've been lacking inspiration really.

My half term has consisted of me abusing my friends and scarring them.

Don't worry, not literally(:

I have chosen my topic for my art exam, and the theme is 'Catastrophic Events'
To me, unlike everyone else apparently, this says all the emotional things that scar us, and the physical things that can scar a person and the way this can be shown, rather than the natural disasters that my teacher decided to interpret from this.
For me, things that are truly catastrophic, are those that are closer to heart, rather than a hurricane half way across the world. I guess I just felt like I couldn't put any real feeling into a natural disaster piece, simply because it is natural.





So I took a few friends, those whom I knew already had some physical scars (who shall always remain anonymous because, well, it's their scars,and I made sure you can't tell who they are from the pictures. Some of these were better scars to use than others)
And then I put fake burns and scars on some friends too.



Pictures.

Remember that guy I mentioned a few times recently?

He allowed me to put some on him as well.
I took him well out of his comfort zone (everyone should leave theirs at least once a week really. Once a day is even better) I got some really good photos.
He was very tolerant to my making him walk topless around town; making him sit in the same position for ages at a time so that I could get the perfect shot. It was all worth it.

I don't always set my boyfriends on fire... But when I do, the photos always come out gorgeous(: *




IT'S A RING OF FIRE!!!!










After all this, I ran my friend over in a car and took photos of her.
LOOK!!!




















































AND here's the proof that I didn't really run anyone over, she's smiling (because a group school children had just walked past and we had scarred them (probably) for life.)

So that was my half term.  Now I'm justavoiding going to sleep because I don't want to go back to college yet.
It's been a nice week; relaxing.
Except for all the stuff with my bike
But that's a whole other post.

So I guess the only thing left to do is thank everyone  that has helped me with my coursework by letting me put glue all over them and bug them into staying still enough for me to take lots of photos. And a pre-thankyou to those who will be my next victims(:


Until next time.






NB at no point whatsoever did my boyfriend catch fire. We were careful and safe with it. The centre of that ring was bloody hot though, I tried sitting in it after we were done, like wow. I don't know how he managed to stay in there for so long. Oh wait, yeah, it was because I had him at gunpoint.