Depressing or motivating?

I would like to know how come it is always me that gets in these stupid situations.
I have been thinking about it all day.
I think I probably need to get out of here. Because I'm going to stay with my gut this time - I've made this mistake more than twice now, I'm not doing it again.
But I've been thinking about it all day and I just can't see any options open to me.
Then the perfect idea came to me as I was walking home. And then now, I am scared because I know now, that that will never be perfect for everyone else in my life. And I am worried that I have started up that thought process again.
Fucking hell.
I can't really go back to where I used to live, because you have to be homeless or about to be made homeless. You can't go if you make yourself homeless. So my only option is to lodge with someone else. But I don't know anyone who needs one. My housing benefit doesn't give me enough money to rent myself a flat.
If you know of anyone who needs a housemate or a lodger or something, please comment or get in touch with me somehow.
I am of course going to have to try and stay here. But I do think it will be better if I just leave here. I have to try. It's so damn hard.
Maybe if I change the way that I live here, it could work.
I think I'm trying to convince myself again though. And that is just worse.
Christ, I really wish that none of this had ever happened to me.I know that is terrible thinking though. If I think like that then I won't ever get out of this lifelong rut I have been stuck in.
Oh my god, guys, just seriously, don't take whatever you have right now for granted. You never know how it will be taken from you.
And try and stay happy. If I can still manage to smile my way through most of each day, then you know you can too. Because you are a lot stronger than you think you are, and I am living proof that you can be much stronger than you first thought you were. Don't give up.

Instincts.

ALWAYS listen to your gut.
Those instincts are always right. If you listen to other people, you will put yourself into stupid situations. Like me.
Don't let other people change your mind.
People change.
People are very different on the surface.
Their insides are often very ugly.
The smoother a person is the trickier and most unnatural they are.
Just don't be like me.



Promise?

Deep stuff..

It's weird how some thoughts will just creep up on you, and catch you unawares. Take my bus journey to college this morning; I was just minding my own, rocking out to some Halestorm (I fucking love Halestorm) when BAM! I am hit with thoughts about earlier this year and some stuff with my mum, and it all caught me off guard, I hadn't expected to think about that, I just wanted to rock man...
But yeah, I'm suddenly finding myself wondering if, when my mum dies, wondering if I will be as fake as she was earlier this year with me? Because I know for a fact that she couldn't really care, given the evidence she gave beforehand that lead me to be in that situation to begin with.
It is quite probable that, given my relationship with her, I will be exactly the same. Because she doesn't talk to me unless she wants something, or needs something, something physical or mental. Even when she does speak to me she waits until the last possible minutes to do so, or when she knows I'm at college or on the bus or trying to go to bed, just so she can moan about me not picking up the phone the next time she rings. I know that it is not even just me that she does this to. I'm not sure if she is just ignorant, or does it just to piss me off. I don't know which is wore either.
Anyway, I think it's totally weird the way our minds work - we are constantly thinking! And we often don't even realise it! But then when some exciting thought appears, we become conscious of our thoughts? We don't even get to stop thinking when we sleep - because our brains are always active even if we aren't - like our dreams and shit.
That kind of stuff gets kind of trippy when you think about it for too long.
But yeah, I went to Christian Union at college today. With a friend who is Christian. I would like to clear up now that I am not really religious, nor have I ever been. I don't have enough, um, trust? Will power? I basically just don't think I could ever put all of my trust or faith or whatever, into one thing. I'm basically your average, every day, boring old atheist.
But I do like the idea of religion, and I thought, well, why shouldn't I try and understand it a bit better? I often negate Christianity in my speech, why not go and see what it is that I am negating?
So I went. (I went on Monday as well, but I am talking about today, so shut up and read.)
It was all about forgiveness, we read a small bit of the bible about a servant or something not paying his debts to someone, and they were going to be punished, but they begged and were let off, to find the money somehow and pay it back whenever. Then I think something similar happened with one of his own servants, and he punished them and didn't give them a chance. Then his debt-collector found out and punished him for being an unkind prick.
Something like that.
Basically, if you don't forgive people, you won't get forgiven by God.
So I took this in my atheist way, that I should forgive my mother, or else people won't forgive me when I do bad. (which is a lot of the time...)
But then I realised, not once has  my mum apologised to me, and really, it would be better for me to not forgive her, because then she sees it as her being able to do it again and again because it clearly, to her, doesn't seem like I find fault with it. So in other words, you all get one chance to not forgive me for something, because I don't forgive my mum.
This has been a lot more religiousy than I thought.


Also, unless you know me VERY well, you don't know what the hell I mean by earlier this year. make something up so that it makes sense to you because I gotta get back to coursework.


Here is something I drew for my art coursework at GCSE. I think it fits in fairly well here.

It represents the light and the dark in the world and shit.

Yeah, I forgot to mention - whilst doing work in the art room today, in the back of someone else's lesson, I knocked my easel, which nudged the table, which sent the cup flying through the air, which coated me in dirty paint water. The whole class turned around and I screamed 'SHIIIIIT' They stared at me for a minute, then they laughed, then they applauded.
One of those days...

Shit sauce

Argh. I'm only posting because I haven't in a few days, despite me actually writing posts. That's because things have been happening that I have wanted to write about, but can't let some people read. Because it may offend or they may not agree or simply because it was a very half arsed attempt at writing and I didn't deem it worthy of actually publishing.
So yeah.
Day off college yesterday - no not because I was depressed. I was doing exciting things that didn't quite work out the way I wanted. For instance was walking around town and out of nowhere a pigeon flew by and was sat on my head for only a second or two, but he definitely sat on my head before flying on by. I swear it. The people around me at the time were astonished as I was. I felt like it should have been filmed. Personally think I could have made a fortune and then I would have moneys and I could buy a hat.
And then I would be able to walk around  town and all the birds would fly by and sit along my hat.
I think we all missed out on a great opportunity here.
Anyway, today was mostly spent doing hours of art coursework - mainly my final piece which has to be finished by first period Friday and will not be done by then. But oh well, I think I can probably twist his arm and get the weekend to finish it off.
I have a psychology mock exam to do this weekend (my weekend is looking like great fun isn't it)
Today I got to ride pillion on my friend's motorbike again - great practice for when I do my cbt (which I have booked - but will not be saying when it is, just in case certain individuals find out and turn up to put me off and ruin it)
Have you ever been on a motorbike?
Nothing better to put you in a good mood. Or to freeze you up because you were doing at least a hundred at the end of November in the dark times along straight roads. I am not entirely sure if I still have toes.
I can't wait to get my own; I will clearly be a lot happier because as I just said; there is nothing better to put you in a good mood.
So I'm all happy-dappy, therefore not doing the work that I need to do, and not going to sleep because I don't want to wake up in the morning and  have gone back to moody teenager mode. Because that is what is happening. Of course, that means I will not wake up on time tomorrow, and that will put me in a bad mood - there is no winning!
Shit sauce I am going to bed!

Catch up

Haven't done a post since Saturday. Have felt my overall mood improve, however right now I am pretty pissed off. Couldn't tell you why. I couldn't care less why. I just am. I don't know why.
However, I am very excited for tomorrow, but I shall discuss that tomorrow - provided it goes well. If I don't mention it then it means I have made a massive fail. I don't want everyone knowing when I fail. HA.
ANYWAY. I have now officially moved out of my flat - I don't feel sad about it - mainly because, actually, I still have the keys. I shouldn't do but well, was too lazy to give them back on Sunday and well, yeah. I'm lazy. So basically it still feels like I live there, and could just turn up there and sleep simply because I still have keys.
So on Sunday morning I woke up at five in the morning because I threw my laptop across the room. The thump woke me. I was well panicked because it BSOD'd me, and came up with lots of writing. Being me I decided that the technical side was too much for me, so I turned it off and back on again. To my surprise I caused it to work better than before. Crazy. My sleep self is a GOD.
However, my dick-ish awake self totally messed up this miracle later in the day - by dropping it three more times. The first of which caused it to slow back down to loser pace again, the second was my friend's fault because he accidentally knocked it. And then I fell on it later. It isn't dead yet though.
Was a strange experience.

Moving out of my flat was difficult because I have just a lot of stuff, so my new room is just kind of full of stuff that I don't know what to do with. There are other things that  I would like to write about on here (Kind of the reason I haven't posted in a couple days) but I can't because I don't want to be rude. I have (letting you know how sad I am here) written stuff down in posts, I just haven't published them. This blog is very much still just for me to be honest. Some things just can't be let loose into the public though. Don't know what you crazies would do with it.

Here is a cat

I will post tomorrow. Probably with a very short excited post, or with a very long post full of fancy swears! To Sleepy Town I go!!!!!

Relaaaaxed

Trying to go for a bit of a mellow weekend. I don't have much planned - I have to move all of my stuff out of my flat and unpack though.
Feeling very relaxed and chilled out - like nothing much can affect me at the moment. I guess that's a good thing.
I spent a couple hours with my sister this morning - colouring in a mug for her, awesomely I must add. She left me alone with my baby niece to go see someone for a bit, and that was fun(:
I am absolutely terrible with kids, but I think it's kind of influenced by having people watch me and judge me of whatever. But yeah, it was great because she is seven months old now and it's just so easy to make her laugh and smile and happy. She loves trying to stand up. most of the time we were making funny faces at each other and chatting whilst she stood up by holding onto my thumbs to steady herself - and me being terrified she would fall over and hurt herself!!
After I left them i went off to get a hair cut - now my hair looks longer than before - weird huh?
I don't really give much thought to my hair anymore - since my amazing hairdresser went off and left me (sad face) I haven't done anything with it at all. Just kind of left it to do its own thing. Haven't dyed it since the beginning of summer, and have just kind of watched as it got longer. Now it looks alright (except for the colour which I may sort out some point soon - well, definitely before xmas) and  I don't mind wearing it out if I'm not going anywhere special.
This afternoon has a loose plan about it - gonna get on with some of my art coursework type stuff (not sure if it is actually coursework but I'm going to call it that because I'm pretty sure everything I am doing in art will be marked) then going to my flat (possibly with a friend if they aren't too loser to come with) gonna finish up packing I think - take all of my stuff off the walls): And just generally say goodbye to it.
It has been my first stable place to leave and I will miss it - despite most of my time there being rubbish. (see my first post)
These last couple months with it have been the best.
I will miss it.

Mistakes

I don't know who to talk to about some things.
My family (okay, my sisters. It isn't much of a family at all, but my sisters, yeah.) are okay, but there are some things that you just can't, you know.
The people I'm moving in with are now too close for me to get outside opinions.
My friends would be the obvious choice. And often they are who I go to just out of habit and need. But, despite most of them being older than me, because I have a late birthday, they are all still so young. None of them have had to grow up yet really. So all these things that are happening that I am worried about, I'm kind of lost with.
This blog is my last place.
Although the only people who read it are in the categories above, this thing is for me.

I can't help but feel I've made another mistake.
I move out of my flat this weekend. I'm giving up my independence again. I have no idea when I'm going to get that back. I feel like I am losing a piece of me - one that is actually kind of important. Ever since I made the decision I have found reason after reason as to why it is a bad idea. It's too late to turn back.
This has actually been one of my biggest decisions to make, more so than when I moved out of my mum's.
Because when I did that, I'd already been gone for years really. Constantly thrown out like the chocolate wrappers from what she scoffs, and left to stumble around in the night, rarely mentioning because it was 'just a misunderstanding' staying at friends when things were really bad, or, if I had one at the time, a boyfriend's as often as possible, and going back there as little as humanly possible just to get away.
I don't think I really even noticed when I actually ended up moving out. I don't think my mum did either. Except for when she stopped receiving as much money to waste on things.
I don't know.
I can just see this blowing up in my face. I think it may already have done.
Just have to keep remembering that this won't seem bad in the future, because by then it will have sorted itself out.
I'm very worried.