Friday, 18 October 2013

I have lots of feelings.

So every now and then things get on top of me. I feel like everything is going wrong and nothing goes right. Well. It's true. Since the beginning of this blog a year ago what's happened that's really made my life any better than it was a year ago today?
It's extremely easy to pick out the negatives. Since last year I have been hurt by many people. They've thrown me out on the streets multiple times, they've caused me to make decisions I haven't wanted to. They've made me upset, angry, scared. I've had to deal with the threat of abuse, loneliness and heartache. I feel these things so strongly. In the last year I have learnt things about my past that I kind of wish I hadn't and almost daily I am somehow reminded of them and it makes me sad. I've had to deal with broken motorcycles. I've had to deal with not having any money. Had to deal with not knowing where my friends lay. It's been difficult to find which parts of my family are actually here for me. I don't talk to some of them. Some of them don't talk to me. Some of this is by choice, and some of it, I just don't know what's going on and it scares me. It's difficult dealing with a large family. The amount of times in the past year that I have just wanted to lie down, have a little bubble come up around me and protect me from all the bad things. It's difficult to say if I actually am better off where I am now, or where I was last year.
But I don't want to undo any of it.
This post isn't about how shit everything gets for me. I'm here to pull out my positives.
That sounds dirty.
First, this time last year I was doing college courses that I didn't enjoy and thought I had to keep at anyway when really I could have changed them if I tried really hard. Now I'm really enjoying the new courses I'm doing.
A little bit before this time last year - septembery - I had a horrible flat mate that made me hide away in my room and be scared to even come out and shower. I'm not going to lie. I often only showered once a week when I was sure she was out. Which is disgusting. I washed as best I could and I'm so glad I was wearing wigs then because my hair was rank from not being able to actually wash it. Sometimes I would need to pee so badly but be scared to go to the bathroom. So I'd get dressed and walk into town and use public ones. Although now sometimes I get nervous going downstairs to use the shower, because if the door to the bathroom is shut I can't tell if someone is in there, I force myself to go and find out instead of cowering upstairs. Because stupid little things like that scare me. I also now have a toilet that only I really use.
Last year I had no idea what I wanted to do. Six months ago, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. And now, well, I've got ideas for things I want to do, and I've accepted that it's okay to not know exactly, and to be vague about it.
This time last year I had few friends. I mean I had friends, but I didn't have any really that I could trust completely. Honestly, I still don't quite have that. But I do have people in my life that I can count on.
Last year, I couldn't admit something to myself because it scared me. I'm not saying what it is. But I'm not afraid any more. And there's only one person that might know what it is, but I doubt it because they don't read my blog much because I pestered them too much to last year. Neither of us really mention my blog any more.

A year ago, no matter how much I told myself I was, I was not completely happy. And I've come to realise that I am still not completely happy. But it's okay, because my life has been difficult and it's bound to show through sometimes as sadness or anger. But I do know that these days, I'm a lot happier than I've ever been. And it can only get better.

Even I am not unlucky enough to be worse off than I am now, at this time next year.

No comments:

Post a Comment