Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Lovely times

I haven't done a post almost all week. The reasoning being because of my last post. I just couldn't manage to write anything here. Not really sure why seeing as it doesn't matter in the slightest who does and doesn't read my blog, seeing as it is only for me.
But yeah, everything is going pretty well. 
Last weekend I went to dinner with a friend, where we bumped into another friend having dinner with her family. Which was pretty fun.
We had pudding. 

Saturday I went and bought glue and fun stickers for art at staples which has now shut *sadface* with my awesome sister and baby niece. 
Afternoon spent in Southampton avec ze new boyf.
Yeah. Suck on that I have one now. And he is a lot nicer than that guy who almost got me fired. This one bought me Ben and Jerry's the other day xD didn't even need to tell him what flavour.
Girly soppy moment over
We went to see Movie 43 at the cinema (and went into Primark, where I bought new thermals and underwear) 
Movie was absolutely hilarious. You should go see it. Or at least watch the frigging trailer. It's seriously funny.
If you don't mind a bit of stereotyping and offensive jokes.
Sunday spent doing some prep for my art final piece.
On Friday I had also managed to finish my health and social coursework to an alright standard (I hope) So that was a load off my chest
Now I have an art deadline on this Friday.
But that's alright because it's a lot easier to paint than to write a report.
Painting is a lot more fun
And interesting.
I have fab plans for this weekend too.
For a start I'm going to see Funeral for a Friend on Saturday night. Which is going to be awesome.
Today I transferred my money to my friend's account so that he will transfer the V5 into my name and I WILL HAVE MY BIKE.
Won't be picking it up off of him for almost two weeks yet but still.
Technicalities are not important.
I totally felt bad ass walking around town with all that money on me though.
I really wanted to ask for it all in smaller notes and just take it home with me and roll in it for a little while and just yaknow, bask in its lovelyness.
But I didn't because that would have been too time consuming and I was on a mission to take my sister a Costa because baby niece is poorly and she seemed like she needed it.

My stretchers for my ear should be here within a week as well
Which is awesome.
So everything is going pretty damn well.

And then Kieran the Dragon turned up on my doorstep and totally fucked things over with his firey breath and psychotic tendencies.

Thursday, 24 January 2013


So, crazy couple of days.
Had to get an extension on my health and social coursework because of shit happening and not giving me a chance to do it, and now the deadline for me is tomorrow and it still isn't done but I'm sick to fucking death of my stupid work so hey guys I'm right here. 
But aaaargh I'm totally pissed off now because apparently some douche that is friends with that guy that totally fucked me over last year, has been reading my (awesome) blog, and somehow got the idea that it is a blog about that guy that fucked me over.
How pigheaded do you have to be to think that?
No, this blog is about me, and it is for me. And I love it. I wouldn't live without this thing now.
Just really pisses me off that someone like that has gone and read my blog not even properly and got the idea that it is about that knobend.
Seeing as I'm thoroughly pissed off I'm gonna go now. Nice short angry post. yay. -.-

Monday, 21 January 2013


So, I fell asleep through exhaustion last night from revising (yeah, I actually managed to start my revision!!)
And when I woke up this morning I was checking my blog (as you do) and I realised that I had written two posts..
Yesterday is a bit of a blur, as you can see in my Manic Writing post I was feeling pretty crazy and stressed. This happens sometimes. I'll just go on hype mode. Won't really know what I'm doing. I just completely forgot that I wrote a post. Or that I really did anything I said I did in yesterday's post. So I've checked a bit... and guess what, I really have decided to stretch my other ear, because I've bought a bunch of stretcher and tunnels and spirals.
Oh, and imagine my surprise when I looked in the mirror this morning and saw the pink in my hair.
The weird thing about it when I get like that is that I basically appear normal from the outside. But inside, I'm racing and everything is pretty slow.
So there we go.
My exam this morning didn't go too badly, only got worried really about one section of the exam and one particular question.
All in all pretty well.
This afternoon though, my coursework..
Well, let's just say that I don't think it is even worth an E grade..
I only did the first section of one unit in the coursework.
I just couldn't sit still, couldn't concentrate. Couldn't manage to organise my thoughts.
I went for a sprint out to the college gates and back, and that actually helped. Was really weird, hadn't even realised I did it until I was halfway there. Dunno, guess I had too much energy. Which is weird because I'm so exhausted these days and if I'm telling the truth I've let taking my iron supplements slip my mind for a couple weeks now.
Am hoping I can get an extension for my coursework.
That or I am resubmitting next year.
Another thing I did today - dropped out of English.
I love writing, but an English A level just isn't the same.
Instead, I am going to spend the time I would be doing English, on writing my book.
Because I had such a good idea for it and I promised myself that I wouldn't let it fall behind me like basically everything else I do.
This way I'll have more time at college and will be able to properly focus on my other subjects and not falling behind
Good news is that next year they are starting a creative writing A level, so I'm going to take that and just forget about English A level. I have my AS level in that and that will be good enough for me. Kinda upset that I can't double box it though. Because it is new they won't have the A2 stuff for me to take, because logic shows that you need to do an AS in it first.
But that should be good.
Because I've realised recently that I am fooling myself really about going down the psychology route. I would love to be that great psychologist that helps people, but I'm a drifter really. I'm not made for doing lots of work all at the same time.
I would still love to work in a nursery or a nursing home or a children's home or something like that, But that's the thing about writing; you can write with whatever else you do. So I can have that as my day job, be fulfilling and be helping people, and I can be doing the thing I love most as well.

Sunday, 20 January 2013


Well, I'm back writing another post because I still really don't want to be doing any real work.
So hey, I'll write a short story. Everyone writes their best when they are feeling a little crazy right?
Someone told me to write this thing the other day, so whilst I'm all manic I will have better ideas as to what I should write. So here you go, I expect a discount of some sort when I come into your shop bitch. Or you better bring me a cookie.
A hug will do.

Anyway, the four dragons were hiding out in their lair of shiny mirrors, high up in the freezing mountains. It midday in late November. And they were not happy. There was a little dinosaur that had moved into a cave at the bottom of the mountain. Silly little dinosaur, so clearly desperate for attention.
The biggest one, Travis, with his black wings and red belly, roared with rage as he spied the dinosaur returning home. As his high pitched roar blew out around the mountain tops, fire flew from his mouth and fried a passing bird. It dropped instantaneously and Kieran, like the ninja dragon he was, burst from the shadows and leapt out into the air, catching the roasted bird before it had fallen far at all. The other dragons were shocked as always. See, Kieran was such an icy blue colour, that it was hard for anyone to ever tell where he was.
He devoured that bird and left a trail of blood behind him. Settled himself back into that corner. A grin plastered over his face.
Travis stayed still, but the other two shimmied away from Kieran a bit. Well, one shimmied away and the other had to follow because they were attached at the waist. Inbreeding is a serious problem.
Travis got them back on topic. That dinosaur must be dealt with. You cannot have a story where all the main character's species begin with the letter D.
Of course, we know that's not true, but well, they're fucking dragons in dinosaur era. Millions of years ago. Keep with it.
So they plotted their revenge on this clear invasion of their space.
First, Kieran flew down unseen, and attacked the dinosaurs legs. he kept on munching though because of his ravenous and psychopathic nature. He ruined the plan, and was almost done scooping out the dinosaurs juicy bloody intestines before the doubledragon turned up. Only to be caught in the fire the Kieran breathed out accidentally. Travis was furious from his position in the sky. it is just rude to burn one of your own species alive. Or two of your own species.
Travis angrily pulled his wings in and dropped down the the floor beside Kieran. Before he hit the ground, Kieran had moved, and was above him. Eating out his brains.
Now, there is just one dragon in that cave.
I met him once. He's not so bad.

Okay. Done with that(:

Did I forget to mention that I am now officially employed by the way? I've been filling in for people where I work for a little while now. And now I am officially employed and doing Wednesday shifts. Suck it wankers.

Manic writing,

Not going to lie here, it feels like I'm going crazy today.
I can't sit still and the work piling up around me, is staying piled up around me.
I have an exam tomorrow.
All I can do is keep moving.
I don't want to stay still.
I wasn't like this last night.
Last night I was downright depressed, and I had my friend come over to cheer me up a bit. Of course, because said friend has their own shit going on, I ended up not being able to be real, and instead was trying very hard to be happy in front of them. Which was hard because they are the person I seriously am most relaxed with.
I met another friend yesterday afternoon, played in the snow. Just to get out of the house mainly though really. I felt like the walls were coming in on me and suffocating me. In a different way to today. Yesterday, they were going to swallow me whole and I was going to disappear forever. Today, they're going to push and press into me until I pop from between them and fly away.
So I'm doing some mindless writing to try and calm it down.
Which isn't particularly working. I don't feel particularly depressed today.
Not like yesterday.
I should really be revising. Or doing that coursework. Because the deadline is tomorrow.
I'm wondering if I should just forget about tomorrow. I'm going to be exhausted.
I can tell.
Well, during my manic day today I have tried a million times to do that work, and instead have ended up buying lots of things online. By lots I mean I tried to control it by staying on one site. A piercing one. Because I am sick of not having any. I also tried to repierce my lip (third time in the past few months) but I decided against it today. I thought about doing my nose again. But that is going to hurt. And I didn't have the patience to wait for numbing gel stuff to numb it first. So instead I decided that it is time to increase the size of my tunnel. at the moment it is a 7.5mm and it looks awesome. I just bought an 8mm spiral and a 10mm tunnel for it. Then I have also apparently decided that I needed to stretch the other side and am now waiting for stretcher up to 4mm to turn up in the post. Of course they aren't going to come today so silly me.
Oh, I have also shoved some pink in my hair. I forgot about that for a minute there. I just tried to sort my fringe out because it's all pushed back and caught a handful of foil and dye instead.
And I also have a belly bar in my ear.
Maybe I should get my bellybutton pierced. I'd like to but I'm chubby so I don't know. My friend thinks I should get a tongue piercing. But that will hurt, and I can't do that one myself. Not that I would do my belly one myself.
Or should I?
No. Bad idea.
Maybe I'll go have a fag and calm down a bit. That might work.
Must remember not to go back out in the snow in just my vest though. Last time that was rather cold after lying down for twenty minutes.
I hate that this year all over facebook everyone is just posting photos of themselves in the snow in their underwear. It's not as awesome as they seem to think.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

bleurgh exams week

I'm not sure quite how to breathe these past few days.
Everything is a little bit rubbish, and I'm kind of hanging in there. Kind of been relying on alcohol this week. Which is really weird. I'm not lying when I say I don't drink. The past couple months are really where I've actually ever really had any. And this week, well, I'm really grateful for my friends, because they've been here for me. Other people have been dicks though.
I should be okay.

I really bloody wish people would stop complicating things though -.-

Well, yeah, anyway, I really want my piercings back ):
I've had like five around my mouth (not all at once..) and I really used to like my nose one. I dunno, I'm just feeling boring. Maybe because I still do not have my bike -.-
Annoying because my licence turned up today (had to send it off to change my address because I never did that aages ago) and my money should be here soon and I really want my bike.

Oh, yeah, it's been exam time. I've had two of my three January exams. First one was last monday. I turned up with a hangover, but I think I did better on it that if I hadn't had one. Because it meant my mind was focusing on avoiding feeling sick and headachey (didn't work, had to throw up in the middle of it) rather than on my shit weekend. Second one was yesterday (Wednesday) and I was feeling a little bit shit again (same reason) but not so bad. Exam was shit.
Have my psych resit on Monday. And a coursework deadline. And here I am, all I'm wanting to do is write. I've been trying to write a decent post for a couple days now. Just not happening because my mind is SO FRICKING FULL OF SHIT.
But hey, I bought a new toothbrush today so it isn't all bad.

Sunday, 13 January 2013

Bike stuff and arty stuff (:

Forgetting about all of the shit that's going on at the moment, I never got around to writing about what I did yesterday. Which was go to Southampton, and buy my bike gear.
I was originally going to just look at the stuff they had, try it on, get a feel for sizing, all that stuff.
But then I fell in love with a jacket because it fit quite well, and did just about everything I was looking for.
I'd post a picture but I haven't got around to taking one yet, and it's a lot of bother to put it on just for a photo. When I take one though, you'll know about it. I look like I'm really tiny inside it. Guess I don't mind as much if I get fatter and fatter anymore, because I'll just look scarier as I go along.
I managed to keep just about inside of my budget.. By just about, I mean that I went over because I spent a lot on my gloves. I spent the same amount on my gloves as I did on the trousers (which were on sale). I spent more on the gloves because I figure I can live without my legs but if I fuck up my hands, I'm lost, seeing as all I seem to care about these days is writing and painting shit.
So I have damn sexy warm gloves, decent trousers and a fab jacket.
Seriously, all I need now is the freaking bike. I should have my money by Friday, all being well. Then it's just a case of my friend fixing the fuck up his bike. Actually really pissed that he fucked it up now. Half a mind to just give him the money to fix it for my own selfish reasons.

On another note, that really is true about me only caring about writing and drawing now. Like, I don't give a shit if I fuck everything up so long as I can write, and paint about it all. Nothing matters so long as I can do that.
And like I said the other day ( I think, I don't remember if I pout it in or not) here is the goat/fish/weird thing that I have done in art this week - the one thing in my book that I actually like so far. It's finished, but only because I just don't have the time to sort it out because the deadline is coming up  and I'm not ready. The top bit is good. But you can tell that I rushed the lower half.
It's still good no matter what. And I don't mind admitting it. I know when my work is up to scratch and when it isn't. I'm not lying when I say that the rest of the stuff in my book isn't good. It's mostly 'okay' but I haven't got anything that's worth anything in there at the moment.

Hopefully I'll have the extra time that I need soon so that I can start making all of my work a better standard.

And this is such a  nicer post than the last.

I hate this week

This weekend has been a perfect example as to why I don't really mention my family much. On here or in person.
The main people in my family that I ever really even mention are my sisters, because a)  they are awesome and I couldn't live without them, and b) they are the least complicated. In the past month I have had a brother and sister in law unblock me on facebook, which was great, but I've also had a brother and a sister and a brother in law delete and block me. I haven't really got any reasons for that at all.
It's like I can be a part of only half of my family at a time.
I stayed away from the stuff that was happening on facebook. I really hate facebook these days.
Anyone who knows me has known that this past week has been difficult already, and that I've just been keeping my head up and going along with it. Now, I have no idea what the hell I am doing.
I accepted ages ago that I'll never know what happened years ago, and I don't honestly don't mind not knowing about it. Whichever way it happened; whether it even happened; why it happened; there are lies and hurtful things tied into it, and I'd like to have that mess left in the past where it belongs. I don't want to have to hear about it or think about it. I want to start afresh with the parts of my family that want me to be a part of theirs.
Unfortunately, I know that probably even that cannot happen.

I have an exam tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to do very well in it really.

I wish I was anywhere but here.
I want my bike.
I want to ride so fast that I can't breathe.
I want out.

Thursday, 10 January 2013

I'm damn sexy

So you may have noticed that I just haven't been writing very much recently. I would love to say that it is because I just haven't had the time because I've been revising for my exams.... unfortunately this just isn't the case.
Yes, I have exams, yes, they are important. No, I do not have the motivation or emotional strength to care about them.
So let's have a quick catch up.
This week I started back at college.
On Tuesday I lost my phone between the bus and the smoking area, after a few panicked hours I was notified by reception that someone had handed it in... Lucky.
This should have taught me a lesson...
Don't be ridiculous. On Wednesday I left my phone on a bench in town. After realising a half hour later I run back into town to find it gone. Thus ensued panic and tears (because I don't need that on top of everything else that happened last week) and after ringing my phone one last time, someone picked up and it turned out that someone I know from school found the phone and picked it up, checked photos and contacts to see who's it was (he thought it was my sisters, embarrassing) and I managed to go and pick it up.
Today, I managed to hold onto my phone and not lose it at all.
I also wore a dress today.
Which is unusual for me. But I looked damn hot and sexy.

But yeah, I haven't felt like writing anything recently, because nothing is going very well, and because of the people who read my blog, I cannot discuss it.The basics are that everyone seems to be mad at me now. So that's fabulous.
I'm off to finish drawing the one good thing that I seem to have produced in art this year. Might post a picture when it s finished.

Saturday, 5 January 2013

My hair

So, a lot has happened this week..
Well, maybe  not a lot, a lot, but a lot as in a lot to cope with.
I can't really write about it on here, but I have on my private blog.
So I am okay..
I can't stop listening to Escape The Fate. I think they really always will be my favourite band. My friend got me into them a few years ago, and I have yet to get sick of them.
So anyway, this past week being difficult, I have dyed my hair. Because that's what I do. I have bleached it (always bad news - I tend to do that,kill my hair, have to cut it short and make it better again, and then begin to grow it again - has happened a couple  times before) But this time, because Live have improved their dye, I have only had to use three dyes to get a lovely yellowy ginger blonde colour that is just gorgeous. To me anyway. I got carried away last night though, when I dropped some on my eyebrow, I decided to leave it there, and covere the rest of my eyebrows as well.
I have only done this once before, and it ended with me shaving my eyebrows off completely. Which was a weird month. That was when I was in year ten. So three years ago now. Which is weird.
Yeah but now I have ginger eyebrows.. but they look good with my hair. They really do.
I don't care if you don't think so.

That is me. you can't see the length of my hair because it is tied back but you get the general idea.
That photo was taken by m lovely sister, who also has a blog, which you can read here. Her latest post includes mountains. And inspirational stuff... better than me talking about my shitty hair.

I absolutely love having my hair this colour. It usually cheers me up. And then something bad will happen some when, and I'll dye it some crazy colour, and then another and another, and then I'll realise that it looks terrible and I'll cover it in black. That is the literal cycle of my hair dying.
But I'm not going to let it dye on me this time, so I'll have it grow as well. Which'll be nice. My hair is the longest it's been in a couple years at the moment.
I like it. I might even wear it like this to college next week.. (:

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

New year's resolutions: bullshit

Okay, well known fact, hate talking about seasonal shit. So I'll make this a quick one because I've been getting really pissy about people this week.
Everyone is talking about their new year's resolutions.
I call bullshit on them.
They are basically just things you want to change about yourself - for instance the most common one - lose weight.
These resolutions will never work.
It is very much like when people say they are going to quit smoking (another common one), oh, but not until I've finished this pack of fags. And then they just don't give up. They clearly don't actually want to give up.
It is the same principle with a new year's resolution. If you have to wait until this time ever year before you change something about yourself then you don't want it enough.
If you were serious you would start exercising as soon as you realised you weren't skinny enough at the beginning of the summer. etc etc.
It's a new year, but I think that the only reasonable resolution you can make, if you are feeling that you need to make one, would be:
I resolve that whenever there is something about me that I need to change, I will not wait until I have a landmark or worthy day to begin changing it. I will change then and there; I will begin immediately.
Because really, if you have  to wait for this specific day to change yourself, you really don't want to change very much at all, and it is pointless.

Happy new year.