Friday, 30 November 2012

Depressing or motivating?

I would like to know how come it is always me that gets in these stupid situations.
I have been thinking about it all day.
I think I probably need to get out of here. Because I'm going to stay with my gut this time - I've made this mistake more than twice now, I'm not doing it again.
But I've been thinking about it all day and I just can't see any options open to me.
Then the perfect idea came to me as I was walking home. And then now, I am scared because I know now, that that will never be perfect for everyone else in my life. And I am worried that I have started up that thought process again.
Fucking hell.
I can't really go back to where I used to live, because you have to be homeless or about to be made homeless. You can't go if you make yourself homeless. So my only option is to lodge with someone else. But I don't know anyone who needs one. My housing benefit doesn't give me enough money to rent myself a flat.
If you know of anyone who needs a housemate or a lodger or something, please comment or get in touch with me somehow.
I am of course going to have to try and stay here. But I do think it will be better if I just leave here. I have to try. It's so damn hard.
Maybe if I change the way that I live here, it could work.
I think I'm trying to convince myself again though. And that is just worse.
Christ, I really wish that none of this had ever happened to me.I know that is terrible thinking though. If I think like that then I won't ever get out of this lifelong rut I have been stuck in.
Oh my god, guys, just seriously, don't take whatever you have right now for granted. You never know how it will be taken from you.
And try and stay happy. If I can still manage to smile my way through most of each day, then you know you can too. Because you are a lot stronger than you think you are, and I am living proof that you can be much stronger than you first thought you were. Don't give up.

Thursday, 29 November 2012


ALWAYS listen to your gut.
Those instincts are always right. If you listen to other people, you will put yourself into stupid situations. Like me.
Don't let other people change your mind.
People change.
People are very different on the surface.
Their insides are often very ugly.
The smoother a person is the trickier and most unnatural they are.
Just don't be like me.


Deep stuff..

It's weird how some thoughts will just creep up on you, and catch you unawares. Take my bus journey to college this morning; I was just minding my own, rocking out to some Halestorm (I fucking love Halestorm) when BAM! I am hit with thoughts about earlier this year and some stuff with my mum, and it all caught me off guard, I hadn't expected to think about that, I just wanted to rock man...
But yeah, I'm suddenly finding myself wondering if, when my mum dies, wondering if I will be as fake as she was earlier this year with me? Because I know for a fact that she couldn't really care, given the evidence she gave beforehand that lead me to be in that situation to begin with.
It is quite probable that, given my relationship with her, I will be exactly the same. Because she doesn't talk to me unless she wants something, or needs something, something physical or mental. Even when she does speak to me she waits until the last possible minutes to do so, or when she knows I'm at college or on the bus or trying to go to bed, just so she can moan about me not picking up the phone the next time she rings. I know that it is not even just me that she does this to. I'm not sure if she is just ignorant, or does it just to piss me off. I don't know which is wore either.
Anyway, I think it's totally weird the way our minds work - we are constantly thinking! And we often don't even realise it! But then when some exciting thought appears, we become conscious of our thoughts? We don't even get to stop thinking when we sleep - because our brains are always active even if we aren't - like our dreams and shit.
That kind of stuff gets kind of trippy when you think about it for too long.
But yeah, I went to Christian Union at college today. With a friend who is Christian. I would like to clear up now that I am not really religious, nor have I ever been. I don't have enough, um, trust? Will power? I basically just don't think I could ever put all of my trust or faith or whatever, into one thing. I'm basically your average, every day, boring old atheist.
But I do like the idea of religion, and I thought, well, why shouldn't I try and understand it a bit better? I often negate Christianity in my speech, why not go and see what it is that I am negating?
So I went. (I went on Monday as well, but I am talking about today, so shut up and read.)
It was all about forgiveness, we read a small bit of the bible about a servant or something not paying his debts to someone, and they were going to be punished, but they begged and were let off, to find the money somehow and pay it back whenever. Then I think something similar happened with one of his own servants, and he punished them and didn't give them a chance. Then his debt-collector found out and punished him for being an unkind prick.
Something like that.
Basically, if you don't forgive people, you won't get forgiven by God.
So I took this in my atheist way, that I should forgive my mother, or else people won't forgive me when I do bad. (which is a lot of the time...)
But then I realised, not once has  my mum apologised to me, and really, it would be better for me to not forgive her, because then she sees it as her being able to do it again and again because it clearly, to her, doesn't seem like I find fault with it. So in other words, you all get one chance to not forgive me for something, because I don't forgive my mum.
This has been a lot more religiousy than I thought.

Also, unless you know me VERY well, you don't know what the hell I mean by earlier this year. make something up so that it makes sense to you because I gotta get back to coursework.

Here is something I drew for my art coursework at GCSE. I think it fits in fairly well here.

It represents the light and the dark in the world and shit.

Yeah, I forgot to mention - whilst doing work in the art room today, in the back of someone else's lesson, I knocked my easel, which nudged the table, which sent the cup flying through the air, which coated me in dirty paint water. The whole class turned around and I screamed 'SHIIIIIT' They stared at me for a minute, then they laughed, then they applauded.
One of those days...

Shit sauce

Argh. I'm only posting because I haven't in a few days, despite me actually writing posts. That's because things have been happening that I have wanted to write about, but can't let some people read. Because it may offend or they may not agree or simply because it was a very half arsed attempt at writing and I didn't deem it worthy of actually publishing.
So yeah.
Day off college yesterday - no not because I was depressed. I was doing exciting things that didn't quite work out the way I wanted. For instance was walking around town and out of nowhere a pigeon flew by and was sat on my head for only a second or two, but he definitely sat on my head before flying on by. I swear it. The people around me at the time were astonished as I was. I felt like it should have been filmed. Personally think I could have made a fortune and then I would have moneys and I could buy a hat.
And then I would be able to walk around  town and all the birds would fly by and sit along my hat.
I think we all missed out on a great opportunity here.
Anyway, today was mostly spent doing hours of art coursework - mainly my final piece which has to be finished by first period Friday and will not be done by then. But oh well, I think I can probably twist his arm and get the weekend to finish it off.
I have a psychology mock exam to do this weekend (my weekend is looking like great fun isn't it)
Today I got to ride pillion on my friend's motorbike again - great practice for when I do my cbt (which I have booked - but will not be saying when it is, just in case certain individuals find out and turn up to put me off and ruin it)
Have you ever been on a motorbike?
Nothing better to put you in a good mood. Or to freeze you up because you were doing at least a hundred at the end of November in the dark times along straight roads. I am not entirely sure if I still have toes.
I can't wait to get my own; I will clearly be a lot happier because as I just said; there is nothing better to put you in a good mood.
So I'm all happy-dappy, therefore not doing the work that I need to do, and not going to sleep because I don't want to wake up in the morning and  have gone back to moody teenager mode. Because that is what is happening. Of course, that means I will not wake up on time tomorrow, and that will put me in a bad mood - there is no winning!
Shit sauce I am going to bed!

Monday, 26 November 2012

Catch up

Haven't done a post since Saturday. Have felt my overall mood improve, however right now I am pretty pissed off. Couldn't tell you why. I couldn't care less why. I just am. I don't know why.
However, I am very excited for tomorrow, but I shall discuss that tomorrow - provided it goes well. If I don't mention it then it means I have made a massive fail. I don't want everyone knowing when I fail. HA.
ANYWAY. I have now officially moved out of my flat - I don't feel sad about it - mainly because, actually, I still have the keys. I shouldn't do but well, was too lazy to give them back on Sunday and well, yeah. I'm lazy. So basically it still feels like I live there, and could just turn up there and sleep simply because I still have keys.
So on Sunday morning I woke up at five in the morning because I threw my laptop across the room. The thump woke me. I was well panicked because it BSOD'd me, and came up with lots of writing. Being me I decided that the technical side was too much for me, so I turned it off and back on again. To my surprise I caused it to work better than before. Crazy. My sleep self is a GOD.
However, my dick-ish awake self totally messed up this miracle later in the day - by dropping it three more times. The first of which caused it to slow back down to loser pace again, the second was my friend's fault because he accidentally knocked it. And then I fell on it later. It isn't dead yet though.
Was a strange experience.

Moving out of my flat was difficult because I have just a lot of stuff, so my new room is just kind of full of stuff that I don't know what to do with. There are other things that  I would like to write about on here (Kind of the reason I haven't posted in a couple days) but I can't because I don't want to be rude. I have (letting you know how sad I am here) written stuff down in posts, I just haven't published them. This blog is very much still just for me to be honest. Some things just can't be let loose into the public though. Don't know what you crazies would do with it.

Here is a cat
I will post tomorrow. Probably with a very short excited post, or with a very long post full of fancy swears! To Sleepy Town I go!!!!!

Saturday, 24 November 2012


Trying to go for a bit of a mellow weekend. I don't have much planned - I have to move all of my stuff out of my flat and unpack though.
Feeling very relaxed and chilled out - like nothing much can affect me at the moment. I guess that's a good thing.
I spent a couple hours with my sister this morning - colouring in a mug for her, awesomely I must add. She left me alone with my baby niece to go see someone for a bit, and that was fun(:
I am absolutely terrible with kids, but I think it's kind of influenced by having people watch me and judge me of whatever. But yeah, it was great because she is seven months old now and it's just so easy to make her laugh and smile and happy. She loves trying to stand up. most of the time we were making funny faces at each other and chatting whilst she stood up by holding onto my thumbs to steady herself - and me being terrified she would fall over and hurt herself!!
After I left them i went off to get a hair cut - now my hair looks longer than before - weird huh?
I don't really give much thought to my hair anymore - since my amazing hairdresser went off and left me (sad face) I haven't done anything with it at all. Just kind of left it to do its own thing. Haven't dyed it since the beginning of summer, and have just kind of watched as it got longer. Now it looks alright (except for the colour which I may sort out some point soon - well, definitely before xmas) and  I don't mind wearing it out if I'm not going anywhere special.
This afternoon has a loose plan about it - gonna get on with some of my art coursework type stuff (not sure if it is actually coursework but I'm going to call it that because I'm pretty sure everything I am doing in art will be marked) then going to my flat (possibly with a friend if they aren't too loser to come with) gonna finish up packing I think - take all of my stuff off the walls): And just generally say goodbye to it.
It has been my first stable place to leave and I will miss it - despite most of my time there being rubbish. (see my first post)
These last couple months with it have been the best.
I will miss it.

Friday, 23 November 2012


I don't know who to talk to about some things.
My family (okay, my sisters. It isn't much of a family at all, but my sisters, yeah.) are okay, but there are some things that you just can't, you know.
The people I'm moving in with are now too close for me to get outside opinions.
My friends would be the obvious choice. And often they are who I go to just out of habit and need. But, despite most of them being older than me, because I have a late birthday, they are all still so young. None of them have had to grow up yet really. So all these things that are happening that I am worried about, I'm kind of lost with.
This blog is my last place.
Although the only people who read it are in the categories above, this thing is for me.

I can't help but feel I've made another mistake.
I move out of my flat this weekend. I'm giving up my independence again. I have no idea when I'm going to get that back. I feel like I am losing a piece of me - one that is actually kind of important. Ever since I made the decision I have found reason after reason as to why it is a bad idea. It's too late to turn back.
This has actually been one of my biggest decisions to make, more so than when I moved out of my mum's.
Because when I did that, I'd already been gone for years really. Constantly thrown out like the chocolate wrappers from what she scoffs, and left to stumble around in the night, rarely mentioning because it was 'just a misunderstanding' staying at friends when things were really bad, or, if I had one at the time, a boyfriend's as often as possible, and going back there as little as humanly possible just to get away.
I don't think I really even noticed when I actually ended up moving out. I don't think my mum did either. Except for when she stopped receiving as much money to waste on things.
I don't know.
I can just see this blowing up in my face. I think it may already have done.
Just have to keep remembering that this won't seem bad in the future, because by then it will have sorted itself out.
I'm very worried.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Awesome things about me

QUICK ten facts about me/reasons why I am bloody awesome and you should talk to me!!

Let's GO!

I have absolutely awesome hair that I constantly change and if we go to college together, and I didn't know you beforehand, then you have never seen my real hair!! Shock horror! Though whilst I stayed late at college last night I had my real hair out. Felt bad ass. So that is something to talk to me about at ANY time.

I can wiggle my tongue like a belly dancer.

I have a onesie. Aaaaand not just one of the million boring ones you can find at Primark, mine has the cat in the hat on it. So of course it is awesome and therefore makes me awesome(:

I hardly ever really feel like it, but when I do I can do the most amazing makeups on my face. I would love to borrow your face to shove awesome makeup on one day, whoever you are. Yeah, I don't care if you are male, I've done that before, and they loved it as well. Give me your face.

Apparently I don't seem like it, but I actually love hugging people and if I could do that as a profession then I would and I would be the best in that field.

I have a large collection of Dr Seuss books. Including the cat in the hat, the cat in the hat comes back and green eggs and ham. Are you seeing the cat in the hat trend?

I really hate even numbers. Except the number 2 and 72. Can't stand even numbers. Unless I am diving things up in which case odd numbers are the bane of my life.

I love buying things. I will buy things for other people simply because I love the feeling of exchanging money for awesome things. I am actually quite generous, despite me kind of hating spending money. But I think I just hate spending money on boring things, like toothpaste and food and toilet cleaner (which I can't actually legally do for another six months but still, principle) Even though buying those things makes me feeel even more adult.

I will soon be able to take (and hopefully pass) my full bike licence so that I can be a madman and drive everywhere (freezingly) on a motorbike looking sexy hot! However, I will have to save up for ages before I will actually be able to afford the bike..

Aaaaand lastly
I do have a cat living at my mums house who will most definitely eat you if you still don't think I am awesome. He is big and fat and called Alan. slash Hitler, because he has a little mustache and I get the feeling that he doesn't like Jewish people. Though he bites everyone. Except me because I am SO loveable.

This was actually a challenge set to me by a friend who will remain unmentioned, because they couldn't think of ten reasons of why I am awesome. I'll shall have that person know that this list could have gone on forever. And that I am clearly awesome.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Guys, I totally went back to college.

So, today was eventful!
I woke up nice and late because I was nervous last night and couldn't sleep (kind of like tonight)
Everything was fine, was having a jolly old time, when bam! halfway through the second half of psychology I am hit with a giganormonous headache, followed by me feeling extraveryemely nauseous, causing me to leave the room and not return for more than a half hour, which, when i did come back, caused my entire class to look at me funny. I'm not sure what they think I was doing, but what actually happened was that I went to the toilets and sat down to try and stop my head from exploding out from within. which was followed with my head responding with a big, 'whuuuut?' and decided to make my arms go all funny (as in heavy achey and paaainful) and my neck all stiff. So I stood up and tried to make my arms feel normal again. Which involved me holding my head against a wall and throwing my arms around and just generally looking like a twat. Aaaas per usual!
At which point I feel reeeaaally dizzy and have to go sit back down again, and then, well, I guess I passed out a little bit.
Which was kind of weird to realise. At least no one saw; it's alright to tell the story but would have been well embarrassing if someone had come in at that point. Yeah.
So I stick around in the bathroom for a bit, trying everything I know to stop a headache without having to take a damn pill (for those of you who don't know, I got serious issues when it comes to trying to swallow damn pills) and eventually I realise that my arms feel a bit better, just a little weak, and that my head isn't going to explode, and maybe I won't be sick. So completely freaked by the whole thing, I got to the last eight minutes of psych, with the whole class staring at me.
I didn't bother to explain to the ones I sit with, because I wasn't (and still am not) sure what even happened.
So afterwards I think, well, I'll sit around, if I get worse I'll go home, if not I'll suck it up and go to English, at which point I bump into friends, and think, well, I'd rather be with friends if it happens again, so I spent the rest of the day with other people. I ended up not going to English because well, I was a little scared it would happen, and my headache was threatening to bubble over again. So I had a religious discussion.
which was cool.
So it was kind of weird. It was also my sister's birthday so after college I ended up going to hers to give her her present and hugs(:
It was also my half birthday. No-one gave me my half a cake. You all suck.

Monday, 19 November 2012


So, yesterdays post was depressing as fuck huh?
Well, the things I said still ring true, but what is moping going to do? Not a lot I don't think. I felt like shit this morning so haven't gone back to college yet, however, best decision I ever made because it means I have spent the day revising and getting in the mood  for college tomorrow. I also got a chance to piss about with makeup, which always cheers me up and makes me feel pretty (LOL I know right) so now I am so in the mood for college and work and getting A levels... and I'm stuck at home doing not a lot because I can't get into college at this time of day. So insteaaad: hey guys (:

I'm totally mystified really about how my mood has switched about today. S'really weird.
However, I'm sure that when I am older and all of this is over and I feel kind of normal (sometimes I do actually feel normal by the way. I know this blog makes me seem half crazy - espesh that post about psychopathy) but I think I'm about as normal as normal should be. I'm just 'quirky'. I have actually been described as that before.
So, let's discuss yesterday!!
I ended up going to Boscombe. Because Boscombe has primark, and my sister invited me. I have a problem regarding primark. I just can't resist its lure. It is very much like when you see a hot guy or girl, and then you maybe make sure that you're in the same room as them as often as you can. And maybe when you are at home and you can't sleep because you're thinking about them, you go on their facebook and drool over their photo's.
Maybe not that last part. That would be weird! Um, yeah. So I love primark. I went there and searched high and low for a bra in my size. Finally found one on the top rack, had to get my sister's boyfriend to get it down. Slightly embarrassing. Of course, it ends up not fitting because, well, things are never the exact same sizes from shop to shop, and primark is cheap. I also got some new undies, because apparently I can't go around wearing ones with holes in them. The reason they have holes in them are because they are so comfy I wear them a lot. Now I have to go break new ones in.... *sigh*
However, I really hate spending money. Espesh at the moment when I am trying to save up so that I can take my m/bike tests. And then I'll be saving up for a bike. So um, guys, if you have any spare money, instead of giving it to a charity organisation, give it to me. I'm kind of like charity. Or split it between me and a registered charity, that's cool too. Or you know, it's christmas soon (well, I'm going by the adverts that I see everywhere, and they've been up for a month now so I'm guessing we're close-ish now.) so yeah, guys, wanna give me a christmas present? A bike. Or the accessories that goes with. Or gift vouchers for food, that way when I buy food I'm saving money! Yaaaaaay!

Sunday, 18 November 2012


Sometimes, like now, I wonder if I skipped out on learning how to be happy.
What the hell is wrong with me?
All logic dictates that now, though things have been shit, I should be absolutely, splendiferously happy because it's over now.
Or should be.
Or seems to be.
Or whatever.
I can't help but expect this to go wrong too.
Nothing has ever gone right for me and stayed right.Perhaps, andto be honest this seems very logical to me, I am not supposed to be happy. I would hate for it to be, but maybe my whole purpose is to be that person that everyone looks to, to feel better about themselves. Because I haven't had a good time and I don't know when I will, or how.
Maybe it already has but I missed it. Or maybe this really is it. 
I'm kind of tired of acting like everything good that happens is good and going to stay good, because there is always bad that comes in and overtakes it and swallows me up and leaves me feeling this way. I don't know if I should bother trying to keep this new happy thing, because if it's only going to go wrong anyway, what is the point?
And I thought I was feeling better this week.
I want to start over.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Ducks, glasses and puppy dog arses.

Totally forgotten what I was going to write about today.
Well. Until I remember, here is a picture of a duck

Okay, cool, I still have absolutely no idea, but when browsing ducks on the internet I found this. This is the DUCK/RABBIT in real fucking life guys. Turn your head and look!!!!!!
Well, today I went for a walk with my older sister, we saw ducks.
I also went into Tesco's and found rubber ducks. My sister refused to buy them for my niece. For good reason though; because she already has ones that light up. Yeah.
Okay, so today I went to my flat, was hoping to meet my flatmate but she was away this weekend. At this rate, I either won't ever get to meet her, or I will meet her the day I move out.Which is a week tomorrow. Yaaaay.
Well, I'll just use this time to tell you guys that you should promote my blog because I don't really like the embarrassment of having you all mention parts of it to me when I see you in person. It's kind of embarrassing to find out who reads it. What I want is to have people in the kind of situations I have been in, to read my blog. Because that would be cool. Yeah.
Have no idea what I originally planned to talk about here. Sorry. When I remember I will write a whole blog post for it.
Now though, I'll tell you that I wear glasses. I am short sighted. When I take my glasses off I can't see very much at all. I'm not fucking blind though. I can still tell you how many finger you are holding up. But if you are the other side of a large room I can't. My glasses came from specsavers. I've never before used specsavers for my glasses, but it was a nice easy experience but the staff were cunts. The frames were picked out by the arse ex, who features in a few of my recent posts, and I never really liked them. They are a reddish colour, with a real nice blue inside, and there is a white flowery Venetian style kind of pattern at the sides.
They're a bit wank.

Also, here's that duck on it's side so you didn't have to twist your head earlier. Because I'm nice like that.

Friday, 16 November 2012

Serious stuff guys...

Okay so today was fucking fabulous
Nothing good happened, and nothing bad happened.
Makes it a good day on my account because a) nothing bad fucking happened, and b) nothing good happened to spoil another day, because on another day, the good thing will fuck up and turn into a bad thing
So yay for today!
I painted some of my second oldest sister's xmas decorations -- the trees weren't too bad, the angels were a bit of a fail, and the snowmen. Well fucking hell I AM AMAZING.
I got my leather jacket.
Not as good as I thought it was going to be; but hey was a tenner from ebay and it will fit nicer when I've lost a bit more weight.
What else...
I took a disgusting photo of myself... for my PROVISH! Which I also posted off today. When that turns back up I can take my CBT. Then my full license. Yaaay.
....I fell down the stairs today.
I also poked myself in the eye.
Neither were as fun as they sound.

OH, I have also been thinking recently (Not just about the stuff that is in previous posts, but about this, stuff that is written in the next part of this post.)
Yes, I have been thinking about how lucky I am.
And no guys, I am not being sarcastic at all.
No, I mean it. I'm being serious. I am lucky.
Lots of people disagree with me when I tell them that I consider myself lucky.
They either think, state the fucking obvious turd, of course you are lucky, you have a flat and you live alone and you do as you fucking please all the time. (Bitch please I have always done what I wanted...) Or a new and current version of that - Of course you're lucky, you have landed yourself and very nice family to live with that are genuinely nice and are lovey people. That's true. I am lucky in that sense.
But other people will disagree when I say I am lucky, because they know that I had a shite time growing up, I had a shite teenage years regarding my mother, that I have been homeless, that I have been in a terrible relationship last year (see my last post for more information on that one. (Charming guy. Especially at the moment. Really. - Thaaaat was sarcasm there. He is a wanker) And that actually, living in the flat I have isn't as good as most people think - most people I know still live with their parents and I'm not going to lie I get very angry when they try to give me advice on the situation because how the fuck do they know?!
So yeah, when people disagree and say that I've had it rough, I agree with them. I've had it rough. But I'm the lucky one because so many people find themselves in the situations I've been in. And lots of them don't get lucky like I have. A lot of them didn't manage to get into college. For a lot of people, it's not just a night or two without a bed like it has been for me; for them, it's always a night without a bed.
A lot of the problem is that it just isn't advertised.
Yeah, it's alright putting up a website so that you can google what to do if you are a teenager and haven't got anywhere to go, but what if you don't have a house to go back to that night, you have no money, how are they supposed to know this stuff?
So yeah, I just wanted to share that that is what I have been thinking about recently. And how I can help to improve that, now, not just in the future after I have gone to uni. People aren't going to just survive and wait for me to start up my life before they need help.

It's now.

Oh, and I also broke a nail today.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Not a fucking psychopath..

Today, I didn't get out of bed again.
Is what I would be writing if I didn't have such an awesome sister.
My plan was to wallow in self pity in bed all day again, but instead I spent most of the day with my older sister; the one closest to my age.
We went around town for a bit; we bought a shakeaway each - from the absolute fab guy that works in there. I didn't end up taking my photo  for my provisional though, because my eyebrows were a mess and I couldn't live with that photo hanging around me for a while. So she and I went and bought chocolate, and went to hers and watched the inbetweeners movie, and she waxed my eyebrows. It is extremely difficult to think when I'm with her, because she is so funny. I also held the tiniest puppy in the world. So today wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
I know that tomorrow I can't go to college still; I'm not ready to pretend and to smile all day, and I don't want to be the depressing girl that is hanging around. So I'll take the day; actually do some coursework, I'll take my photo, send off my application, and then I'll start sorting out my room at my flat; because I am moving out officially on the 25th.
Absolutely terrified.
I don't know if this is going to work still, I'm not sure if they will take me back at the flat if it doesn't work out here. Because I had a phone call yesterday saying that they were thinking about kicking me out because my room isn't tidy. They told me that until they put into writing that my room isn't passing the inspections, that it isn't a big deal. If I leave there on bad terms, they won't let me come back. So I have to make it very presentable before my last ever room inspection.
Shouldn't be all that hard, I'll just throw some stuff in boxes.
OH, and I also got called a psychopath yesterday.
Yesterday reaaally wasn't a good day.
Yeah, that cunt of an ex that messed me around really badly is still messing me up, with his manipulative little tricks, by going around Salisbury calling me a psychopath. Well, I'll have that bastard know that I took an online test (three) that all say I'm not a psychopath. Not even fucking close. AND why would my counselor deem me uncrazy, able to function alone, and not need to see her anymore, if I was a psychopath?
Really sick of wankers that manipulate, and no one notices because they are so 'charming'.
Plus, the daft idiot should reeeaaallly look up the word psychopath, I think he may be surprised with the way he sees himself afterwards.
So yeah, gotta keep going (:

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

The Catcher in the Rye

Well, I did read the catcher in the rye. Which was good, I really love that book. Always gets to me. I always forget how it ends and how it affects me. I love the style of the book; the way it is written, so easy to read but then again, so hard.
Holden is such an accurate representation of boys, really, even sixty years later you can see the resemblances. He is much like me in a way as well - I hate people who are, as he says 'phony' and he doesn't change at all in the book. He is an adult but he is stuck with a child's mind and often, I feel like that; I'm grown up, I have a flat and I pay rent and I buy my own food. I myself have changed a lot because of this, but then when I'm with my friends my kid-self kicks back in and I become like seriously annoying because I don't know how to be my age any more. I always seem to forget the ending. I haven't read it in more than a year before today.
I always remember afterwards why it stays in the back of my bookshelf (or box)
Because the ending is always a reminder of experiences, people who turn out differently, even though you knew them so well. or so you thought. And the experiences you had with them. Mine are mostly bad. The stupid book makes me remember the bad. and that was what I didn't want today; I wanted the day to try and forget. It never works out.


Didn't manage to get out of bed today. Have only just moved a little bit. Only to pick up my laptop and  only to let the thoughts whirl back in and upset me further.
I can't do tomorrow either. how the hell can I?

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Not fair

It's a year later and still it gets to me. I can't believe it because I thought it would have gotten better by now, just a little bit. But it still hurts and only two people know that I can talk to because the others fucked off and aren't who they were meant to be and I am left so alone in this. It doesn't feel good and I can't do tomorrow. I can't. I'm going to be pretending all day again and it's a little too much and I can't help but want to fall down and stop. Will it be like this every year? Will I constantly be looking back and seeing how much of a mess I let into my life and fuck me up? I hope not. I already know it has fucked me over big time. I don't need all of these reminders. And I wish I had someone that I can talk to about this because I really don't. The one person I can is already my go to person for everyfuckingthing else and I can't keep offloading on them because it just isn't fair.
Life isn't fair. Not for me.


So today is Tuesday and I didn't bother going home on an early bus from college.
I brought my laptop into college instead, because I thought that would motivate me into doing some work in my frees today. All it has done really is give me an excuse not to leave college and piss off elsewhere, and to sit and look like I'm working without people bugging at me to get off a college computer. And to sit at the front of the LRC and watch people go by. Yeah. Haven't felt too bad today. Yet. I have eaten which is in actual fact a rarity at college. I had some chips from the cafe that have made me feel extremely sick. I'm not even fucking surprised. Have done some good deeds - think I'm trying to make up for all the shit.
I don't care.
I didn't sleep at all last night, I stayed up watching Dexter on my laptop in my flat. And I forgot that it was night so I was blasting music and singing like a witch for an hour and a half at about one, before I opened the curtains and saw the dark skies seep inside and surround me. I clearly didn't piss anyone off though. Always know when you have because they are very vocal about it, and besides, an hour after that someone else did the same. The night activities there are rather strange.
I didn't get to meet my flatmate after all. She came to pick up her keys before I got there, and told the staff that she was going to move her stuff in over the weekend. So I guess I'll meet her then. Tonight I'm gonna slip a note under her door, just to say hey, and to let her know that because ex-flatmate took the fridge with her, there isn't one in the kitchen, so if she needs one and she hasn't seen me, to give me a call and I'll come put mine in the kitchen and we can share. Because I am nice like that.
I'm only writing this so I can avoid doing some work. I really don't feel like it. I don't feel like being sociable either though. I don't know how but I have managed not to think today until now. That's kind of good.
I've really gotten into the Swedish singer Robyn these last few days. I liked her when I was a lot younger. She's a totally different genre to what I usually listen to. But there are some fab lyrics. posted some on facebook because they describe someone that I know really well. Now some people think I'm pissed off with them because I didn't specify that they are lyrics and think that I'm talking about them. I'm not. I know for a fact that if you're reading this then they aren't about you.
Because you're probably nice.
Well, you gotta be to be able to to be reading a blog about me.

Monday, 12 November 2012

can do it

Okay, so evidently I didn't end up leaving today. I couldn't leave for a couple hours after I had written that post anyway, so I stayed in college and went to my English feedback session which wasn't as bad as i thought, and to waste the time after that I got stuck back into my coursework. When the time came that I could leave and catch a bus out (I can't deal with trains very well) I started walking, but it was like walking through sludge. My feet were heavy and I didn't want to have to lift them. I couldn't do it. I knew that there are more important things than the past, so I couldn't make myself walk out of there into the unknown. I feel like that a lot though. I hardly ever manage to actually get on the bus or train that I'm heading for.
this doesn't mean the past doesn't hurt though, or that I won't feel the same tomorrow. It does, so much so that I can't always function and need a hand through. I did it on my own today though. What it does mean is that now, when I get like this tomorrow or whenever, I'll know I can get through it after all. Plus tomorrow I have a half day because I do not have to go to English in the afternoon. So I can still do this. The in between panicky moments always make me stronger in the end.
I'm off to go meet my new flatmate now. Hope she has cake...

This week

This week is not going to go very well. I don’t know when I realised that, to be honest, because I've been fooling myself as this week approached, that I could let it just sweep by and pretend it’s just like any other week. It’s not. I don’t know how I thought I could get by thinking that I could pretend it was. I guess that’s just how I got by until now. I don’t know how I am going to manage to get through the rest of this hour, let alone the whole day. I knew I shouldn’t have come in, I felt it last night, nagging at me, pulling me down. And now I'm there, I'm under, and I can’t breathe and all I can do is keep writing because otherwise, I'm not going to be able to stop myself walking out of here and not coming back. I wanted to take the week off, hide somewhere, and I didn’t do it, because no matter what I know I still need to be here, in college, working and trying because I have to get away. From all the things that remind me of what should have been. Somehow I still care about the long run of college. But right now I need to have it take care of itself so I can just be. If I leave this week I'm not going to make it back. I’ll stay away and I don’t know what. Keep running until I break so hard that I'm stuck. Kind of feels like that’s going to happen soon anyway. It’s not like I can keep turning to the same friend and expect them to pick me back up again. They’ve done that way too much recently. But I have no one else to help me with this and I don’t know what to do. So I'm writing. And I'm writing so hard that maybe the blurriness is from typing too hard. But we all know it’s not. I think I'm going to go.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Tesco carrier bags and bras.

So yeah, yesterday was a little bit crap. Went to my mother's soup morning thing that raised money for the Trussell Trust. I won a bar of chocolate that I split with my older sister (because I am awesome.). Not gonna lie it was a bit boring because I was there for about three-four hours. I ate a bunch of cake. Cake is good.
Well, after that finished I went with my sister (The second oldest one. Maybe I should do a general clarification blog post some when..) back into town. Whilst waiting for a bus we bumped into one of my brothers, the one I haven't spoken to/been spoken to by, for a loooong while, for reasons I'm not even sure about. Crazy. But yeah, haven't seen him in so long that I was confused for the first five minutes as to who he was.
WELL, anyway. moving on from thaaat, I went into town with my sister, we bumbled around Tesco's, which has finally reopened inside of town. Have missed it so much, was practically kissing the workers with glee because Sainsbury's just is not the same. They make you carry orange. Orange. Which doesn't go with ANYTHING. And, from a skinny jean disaster (I didn't know it was a disaster then..) a few years ago (when I was fourteen perhaps?), I am very aware of the fact that I do not look good in orange (However, going through old clothes the other week I found them, and they fit again now. Woo I'm getting less fat!)
Speaking about the carrier bags of supermarket shops, no one else is excited about the new Tesco carrier bags, but I think they are preeeettyy sweeeeeet.
So yeah, we bumbled about, couldn't find the really good smelling chicken that was a-cooking in there anywhere, so bumbled back out, after stumbling around the new layout of the self service tills. Went back to sister's, left to meet... I don't know what to call her on here. My friend's mum that I'm moving in with. My sisters have taken to calling her my surrogate mother. But I think I'll just call her T for on here. Yeah, so on my way into town to meet T I bumped into my father of whom I don't speak with because of a lot of reasons, and he doesn't recognise me and I got pissed off about stuff even though it's not important anymore.
But anyway it was all good because when I met T we went to JustJanes (some underwear shop that's very nice) and surprised me with a bra that actually fits and is a crazy size. First time I have ever been fitted with one, and, to be honest, first time I have looked at the size properly before buying one. Now when I wear clothes I look even more damn sexy hot ^.^
So I was feeling pretty damn shite most of the day, and really just wanted to go and stick my head under a quilt and cry and be a depressing loser (LOL what's the different to my day to day self?!), but I couldn't do that, because when I got back to my frie... going to start calling it my new home on here, too much effort otherwise. So I couldn't do that when I got back there because I was helping to make dinner for the million people that were coming over for dinner. So I did some awkward social interactions and stuck myself into work afterwards. Pretty good huh?
No, you say? Well, I was referring to the fact that I managed to not hide away and say fuck off to all my work. So yeah, all things considered it wasn't as bad a day as yesterday's post made out.
NB yesterday's post was mainly written because a friend said that the post before that was boring because it was too long... this one has gone on a bit as well to be honest.

Saturday, 10 November 2012

yeah, probably

Considering today's events, perhaps it really was a bad idea for my councillor to discharge me.

Friday, 9 November 2012

Don't steal my soap

So, as you may have realised from the rather prominent evidence, that I haven't done a single post all week. That is because I have had nothing good to write about (hence the picture down there), and I can't stand just blogging about crap. Hilarious concept: that is ALL I blog about.
So, we'll start with some good news I think. Well, is it good? Who knows. Can be taken in different ways. I took it rather badly yesterday, but today I had great joy in telling people that I was considered 'no longer a risk' which is fab. Basically my councillor, who I have actually only seen a grand total of, wait for it, five times, came to see me yesterday, for the first time in about three months I guess really, and deemed me 'safe' and 'happy'. Whilst talking to her, inside, I was screaming at her "What the hell? You appear to be mistaking me for NORMAL?!? Have you NO idea what my brain is like? Have you EVER had a conversation with me? Are YOU the crazy one? Do you know ANY of the things I have gone through? How can ANYONE  be normal after this crap?" Basically, I thought she must be absolutely mental to think I'm okay because half the time I feel like I can't even breathe from the amount of thought that goes around my teeny incompetent brain. Then I realised yesterday, whilst lying in bed not doing my mountain of coursework, that she doesn't know anything about stuff that's happened to me, because I'm such a closed book. (those aren't my words by the way)
So I cheered myself up (by watching this guy on YouTube who I found, who is HILARIOUS. well actually, he is just average funny, but I just LOVE his voice. His user name is Charlieissocoollike)
So basically, I've been deemed 'un-crazy'
crazy huh?
Hmm... other things that have happened..
Well, my flat has been cleaned up (a bit) finally, by a cleaner. Not because of the amount of times I have bugged them about the raging mess that it is, that I absolutely refuse to clean up because it's all ex-flatmate's mess, and that it just really was  too disgusting, but they have had it cleaned because I am due a new flatmate on Monday. Which I am terribly excited about. I've still got plans to move out in the very-near future, but I really want to know what she is like. And I need to make sure she doesn't steal my soap. I am very serious about my soap. If you know me you will remember me going into a rage about ex-flatmate stealing my soap when she moved out. Serious topic, is soap.
So yeah, new flatmate, deemed not crazy by someone who doesn't know a thing about me.
And loving soap.
Seems I had something to blog about after all(:

Friday, 2 November 2012

Positive thinking and all that..

Know what, I've had a lot going on this week.
Not surprising seeing as I had decided to have a relaxing week!
It's been completely shitty, and because of my crap I haven't gone places I was meant to, which means I have pissed off some friends. I didn't even do anything for Halloween, which I was terribly excited for.
Instead of getting gloomy on here, I'm gonna do a boring old blog post about the book I just finished reading yesterday. Positive thinking and all that Jazz.
It's called The Death Of Bees and I only started reading it because when I went into the IPod shop last week to see if they could fix my IPod, I had a fifteen minute wait, in which I went to Waterstones because it was just about 5 and I knew it would be almost closing - ergo, basically empty. I don't like book shopping when it is busy because I feel rushed. Scrap that - I hate all shopping when I feel rushed by hoards of people.
So anyway I had gone into Waterstones just to have a look around and waste some time. Obviously I couldn't leave empty handed, and the first book I pick off of the shelf is this one, and I fell in love with the blurb. Then it was awkward because I had to look around the whole rest of the shop with them knowing that I knew I would not be buying a different book, that I knew this was what I would buy, and just generally pissing them off by delaying them closing up for the day. That was mildly fun though.
So this book starts off with a prologue informing you of two names, two birth dates and two death dates. The only writing with them is 'Today is Christmas Eve. Today is my birthday. Today I am fifteen. Today I buried my parents in the backyard. Neither of them were beloved.'
Totally grabbed me. who doesn't want to read about two teenage girls who have buried their parents in the backyard for some anonymous reason? probably a normal person, but I'm far from that let's be honest.
So yeah, the book is about Marnie (the fifteen year old) and her younger sister Nelly, who is clearly somewhere on the autistic spectrum but is just an absolutely fab character. Their parents are drug addicts; drunks, and later we find out worse things about their dad. Their mother's father is a big part of the book as well. These two girls carry on living in Glasgow without parents, unchallenged for months on the whereabouts of their parents. Displaying how awful the systems can be...
There are a few little gory bits on their parent's deaths as well, about how they leave them in the house for a while before removing them, and then how it is trying to get them out and into a grave. This book just really caters for every need I have in a book to be honest. It's written in the views of three of the main characters - Marnie, Nelly and their neighbor, Lennie. Lennie is an absolute darling.
You should definitely read it.

And now I feel slightly better of my week because I haven't written crap about it. Instead I got to bore you(: