Monday, 12 November 2012
This week is not going to go very well. I don’t know when I realised that, to be honest, because I've been fooling myself as this week approached, that I could let it just sweep by and pretend it’s just like any other week. It’s not. I don’t know how I thought I could get by thinking that I could pretend it was. I guess that’s just how I got by until now. I don’t know how I am going to manage to get through the rest of this hour, let alone the whole day. I knew I shouldn’t have come in, I felt it last night, nagging at me, pulling me down. And now I'm there, I'm under, and I can’t breathe and all I can do is keep writing because otherwise, I'm not going to be able to stop myself walking out of here and not coming back. I wanted to take the week off, hide somewhere, and I didn’t do it, because no matter what I know I still need to be here, in college, working and trying because I have to get away. From all the things that remind me of what should have been. Somehow I still care about the long run of college. But right now I need to have it take care of itself so I can just be. If I leave this week I'm not going to make it back. I’ll stay away and I don’t know what. Keep running until I break so hard that I'm stuck. Kind of feels like that’s going to happen soon anyway. It’s not like I can keep turning to the same friend and expect them to pick me back up again. They’ve done that way too much recently. But I have no one else to help me with this and I don’t know what to do. So I'm writing. And I'm writing so hard that maybe the blurriness is from typing too hard. But we all know it’s not. I think I'm going to go.