Friday, 30 November 2012

Depressing or motivating?

I would like to know how come it is always me that gets in these stupid situations.
I have been thinking about it all day.
I think I probably need to get out of here. Because I'm going to stay with my gut this time - I've made this mistake more than twice now, I'm not doing it again.
But I've been thinking about it all day and I just can't see any options open to me.
Then the perfect idea came to me as I was walking home. And then now, I am scared because I know now, that that will never be perfect for everyone else in my life. And I am worried that I have started up that thought process again.
Fucking hell.
I can't really go back to where I used to live, because you have to be homeless or about to be made homeless. You can't go if you make yourself homeless. So my only option is to lodge with someone else. But I don't know anyone who needs one. My housing benefit doesn't give me enough money to rent myself a flat.
If you know of anyone who needs a housemate or a lodger or something, please comment or get in touch with me somehow.
I am of course going to have to try and stay here. But I do think it will be better if I just leave here. I have to try. It's so damn hard.
Maybe if I change the way that I live here, it could work.
I think I'm trying to convince myself again though. And that is just worse.
Christ, I really wish that none of this had ever happened to me.I know that is terrible thinking though. If I think like that then I won't ever get out of this lifelong rut I have been stuck in.
Oh my god, guys, just seriously, don't take whatever you have right now for granted. You never know how it will be taken from you.
And try and stay happy. If I can still manage to smile my way through most of each day, then you know you can too. Because you are a lot stronger than you think you are, and I am living proof that you can be much stronger than you first thought you were. Don't give up.

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