Thursday, 29 November 2012

Deep stuff..

It's weird how some thoughts will just creep up on you, and catch you unawares. Take my bus journey to college this morning; I was just minding my own, rocking out to some Halestorm (I fucking love Halestorm) when BAM! I am hit with thoughts about earlier this year and some stuff with my mum, and it all caught me off guard, I hadn't expected to think about that, I just wanted to rock man...
But yeah, I'm suddenly finding myself wondering if, when my mum dies, wondering if I will be as fake as she was earlier this year with me? Because I know for a fact that she couldn't really care, given the evidence she gave beforehand that lead me to be in that situation to begin with.
It is quite probable that, given my relationship with her, I will be exactly the same. Because she doesn't talk to me unless she wants something, or needs something, something physical or mental. Even when she does speak to me she waits until the last possible minutes to do so, or when she knows I'm at college or on the bus or trying to go to bed, just so she can moan about me not picking up the phone the next time she rings. I know that it is not even just me that she does this to. I'm not sure if she is just ignorant, or does it just to piss me off. I don't know which is wore either.
Anyway, I think it's totally weird the way our minds work - we are constantly thinking! And we often don't even realise it! But then when some exciting thought appears, we become conscious of our thoughts? We don't even get to stop thinking when we sleep - because our brains are always active even if we aren't - like our dreams and shit.
That kind of stuff gets kind of trippy when you think about it for too long.
But yeah, I went to Christian Union at college today. With a friend who is Christian. I would like to clear up now that I am not really religious, nor have I ever been. I don't have enough, um, trust? Will power? I basically just don't think I could ever put all of my trust or faith or whatever, into one thing. I'm basically your average, every day, boring old atheist.
But I do like the idea of religion, and I thought, well, why shouldn't I try and understand it a bit better? I often negate Christianity in my speech, why not go and see what it is that I am negating?
So I went. (I went on Monday as well, but I am talking about today, so shut up and read.)
It was all about forgiveness, we read a small bit of the bible about a servant or something not paying his debts to someone, and they were going to be punished, but they begged and were let off, to find the money somehow and pay it back whenever. Then I think something similar happened with one of his own servants, and he punished them and didn't give them a chance. Then his debt-collector found out and punished him for being an unkind prick.
Something like that.
Basically, if you don't forgive people, you won't get forgiven by God.
So I took this in my atheist way, that I should forgive my mother, or else people won't forgive me when I do bad. (which is a lot of the time...)
But then I realised, not once has  my mum apologised to me, and really, it would be better for me to not forgive her, because then she sees it as her being able to do it again and again because it clearly, to her, doesn't seem like I find fault with it. So in other words, you all get one chance to not forgive me for something, because I don't forgive my mum.
This has been a lot more religiousy than I thought.

Also, unless you know me VERY well, you don't know what the hell I mean by earlier this year. make something up so that it makes sense to you because I gotta get back to coursework.

Here is something I drew for my art coursework at GCSE. I think it fits in fairly well here.

It represents the light and the dark in the world and shit.

Yeah, I forgot to mention - whilst doing work in the art room today, in the back of someone else's lesson, I knocked my easel, which nudged the table, which sent the cup flying through the air, which coated me in dirty paint water. The whole class turned around and I screamed 'SHIIIIIT' They stared at me for a minute, then they laughed, then they applauded.
One of those days...

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