Actually, fifteen minutes of staring at the blank screen after writing that gives the assumption that actually, I'm just feeling a little lost.
I've felt funny all week. What's horrible is that I keep forgetting what set me off feeling funny, and then I remember all over again. And I feel worse.
It actually happened whilst at Funeral for a Friend, I'd very much love to write on here what it is. However, it is a very private and sensitive matter that I don't want everyone I know knowing about. Well, the actual thing did not happen at FFAF, but what did happen was that I found myself in the exact place that stuff had happened just before we went to the gig and I got all stressed and wasn't able to breathe too well and almost had a panic attack.
But I took control of it and forced it down and now it's like little bits of it are coming back up and making me feel very tired, scared and pretty crazy if I'm honest. I wish this hadn't of happened. Well, I'm kind of getting to be okay with the actual thing that happened. And by okay, I mean I'm managing to live with it and realise that It. Was. Not. My. Fault. What I mean is I really wish that I hadn't been reminded so harshly at such an inconvenient time.
Specially as it just sent me crazy this past week. At the gig I can't tell you how many cigarettes I got through to try and calm me down. And this week. At the gig I got rid of some anger by just shouting and dancing and shit, a lot harder and better than I would have ever done otherwise.
Of course my everyday time isn't spent in a way where it is acceptable for me to scream. So I've been smoking a lot, and just feeling crazy.
I cried a lot on Monday. Because of this and other stuff.
I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. I'm happy but I'm sad.
The one I call my boyf has barely spoken to me since I turned up at his with no where else to go and in tears. It was awful and it was my last resort to be there. I wish he hadn't seen me that way. However, I suppose in a way it can be called a good thing because the way he plays it next time I see him I suppose will show me whether or not I should be with him. Cause I think I'm still pretty fragile, but I do know I can handle being in a real and decent, happy relationship.
So I guess we'll see.