Monday, 22 October 2012

19 october

For the past three weeks I have taken Thursday off college, because I’ve been unable to get out of bed. Last week I took Friday off too. This week, I forced myself to go in today. The last couple weeks I have had reason to feel depressed and therefore not go to college. I can’t work out why I couldn’t manage yesterday though. The week was going so well. It was the fair where I live. I can always get out of bed on Mondays. Not sure why. Maybe it’s because it’s the day I have double English and double art and tutor. Maybe it’s because the beginning of the week is less stressful. Maybe it’s because I’ve just had a weekend to recover from having to socialise. College was good this Monday. Only had to go to half of English because I was on track with my coursework. Double art was fun, as usual, I have three friends in there, and we laugh so much. I went back to my almost new home after college, and was given dinner.
Tuesday I had double psychology. Made conversation with the really nice but kind of shy boy who I sit with. Which was good. He even asked if I was going to the cafe in our break; I had to go and see my tutor manager to authorise my absence though. This is maybe where this week went wrong. Three of my teachers are unhappy with me. English because apparently I appear isolated and unhappy. Well, let's be honest – I'm not a bundle of joy these days. Really crap things have happened and I still don’t know if they've stopped yet. I’m worried about making friends, but I do talk to the people I sit near. She is worried that I am not learning because I do not ask questions. I don’t ask questions because I wait until everyone else has asked theirs, and that tends to cover anything that I want to know. If it didn’t, I would put my hand up; or alternatively, ask her after lesson or email her.
Health and social; my lame teacher who hasn’t taught us anything yet set homework telling us to do the first exam question. So I did. Three people in the class went ahead and did the entire exam. The rest of us did the first question, as asked. Silly teacher tells the class (that I was absent from last Friday) that they are underachieving. This would not be the case if she did work with us in the lessons. She sent an email saying that I was underachieving, having not spoken about what I missed in the lesson to anyone in my class; I was lead to believe that this was directed at just me.
Psychology: she was worried because I’m behind because I’ve had to learn everything that others learnt last year, and that my transfer documents hadn’t been approved yet, so neither me nor her knew whether I needed to actually be learning this exam stuff, or whether I should be looking to do an external psychology a level.
After finding all of this out I spent the second half of double psychology trying not to cry, then, trying to be strong, I go to the LRC to do catch up stuff from the end of the week. When my friend comes up to me I end up crying on her shoulder and spending the rest of my day with her and various others. She is a great motivator, don’t know what would have happened if she hadn’t spoken to me and changed my mind set. Went home and to the fair with a friend who stayed over.
Wednesday: ride on said friends motorbike to college, had to ride through knee deep water. All fine until last double lesson: my other health and social teacher springs a trip to the AIL (adult inclusive learning) part of the college, for us to socialise and familiarise with the learning disabled adults in the college. Thrown into this situation, I try very hard not to have a panic attack. Felt like I was one of the learning disabled and not the mainstream student. Ride home on friends motorbike again, stay over his. In the morning: physically couldn’t force myself to get up and go do something, even though I knew it would make me feel better. Felt like shit because persuaded friend to skip as well, and he had an ISA exam. I’m a terrible friend.

1 comment:

  1. Dude! The days you don't want to get out of bed are the days you really HAVE to. Trust me!