For the past three weeks I have taken Thursday off college, because I’ve been unable to get out of bed. Last week I took Friday off too. This week, I forced myself to go in today. The last couple weeks I have had reason to feel depressed and therefore not go to college. I can’t work out why I couldn’t manage yesterday though. The week was going so well. It was the fair where I live. I can always get out of bed on Mondays. Not sure why. Maybe it’s because it’s the day I have double English and double art and tutor. Maybe it’s because the beginning of the week is less stressful. Maybe it’s because I’ve just had a weekend to recover from having to socialise. College was good this Monday. Only had to go to half of English because I was on track with my coursework. Double art was fun, as usual, I have three friends in there, and we laugh so much. I went back to my almost new home after college, and was given dinner.
Tuesday I had double psychology. Made conversation with the really nice but
kind of shy boy who I sit with. Which was good. He even asked if I was going to
the cafe in our break; I had to go and see my tutor manager to authorise my
absence though. This is maybe where this week went wrong. Three of my teachers
are unhappy with me. English because apparently I appear isolated and unhappy.
Well, let's be honest – I'm not a bundle of joy these days. Really crap things
have happened and I still don’t know if they've stopped yet. I’m worried about
making friends, but I do talk to the people I sit near. She is worried that I
am not learning because I do not ask questions. I don’t ask questions because I
wait until everyone else has asked theirs, and that tends to cover anything
that I want to know. If it didn’t, I would put my hand up; or alternatively,
ask her after lesson or email her.
Health and social; my lame teacher who hasn’t taught us anything yet set
homework telling us to do the first exam question. So I did. Three people in
the class went ahead and did the entire exam. The rest of us did the first
question, as asked. Silly teacher tells the class (that I was absent from last
Friday) that they are underachieving. This would not be the case if she did
work with us in the lessons. She sent an email saying that I was
underachieving, having not spoken about what I missed in the lesson to anyone
in my class; I was lead to believe that this was directed at just me.
Psychology: she was worried because I’m behind because I’ve had to learn everything
that others learnt last year, and that my transfer documents hadn’t been
approved yet, so neither me nor her knew whether I needed to actually be
learning this exam stuff, or whether I should be looking to do an external
psychology a level.
After finding all of this out I spent the second half of double psychology
trying not to cry, then, trying to be strong, I go to the LRC to do catch up
stuff from the end of the week. When my friend comes up to me I end up crying
on her shoulder and spending the rest of my day with her and various others.
She is a great motivator, don’t know what would have happened if she hadn’t
spoken to me and changed my mind set. Went home and to the fair with a friend
who stayed over.
Wednesday: ride on said friends motorbike to college, had to ride through
knee deep water. All fine until last double lesson: my other health and social
teacher springs a trip to the AIL (adult inclusive learning) part of the
college, for us to socialise and familiarise with the learning disabled adults
in the college. Thrown into this situation, I try very hard not to have a panic
attack. Felt like I was one of the learning disabled and not the mainstream
student. Ride home on friends motorbike again, stay over his. In the morning:
physically couldn’t force myself to get up and go do something, even though I
knew it would make me feel better. Felt like shit because persuaded friend to
skip as well, and he had an ISA exam. I’m a terrible friend.