Friday, 5 October 2012

This post was from the 18th of september. SO much has happened since then!

Things are really stressful
I'm on the bus home from college and things today are catching up with me. I know it’s stupid but I'm kind of crying and that’s really embarrassing because if anyone saw they would think that I'm not coping. Well maybe I'm not but I wish I was.
Over the summer my mum was going on and on at me to get a dentist and orthodontist appointment. So I finally let her make them for me, and I let her know when my holidays from college were, so I wouldn’t have to miss any lesson time.
So I was asking her the other day when they were so that I wouldn’t miss them, and at lunch I got a call from her, shouting and telling me that I should be doing these things myself. She offered to do this for me remember.
So I'm stood there, middle of collegewith her shouting in my ears about how rubbish I am, and I thought, I really don’t have to listen to this shit anymore. I don’t live with her anymore. One of the reasons I don’t is because she does this, and now, she has no pull over my life. Well, she shouldn’t do anyway. So I hung up. And proceeded to throw myself into some work to forget about it. Which was good. But then she rang me again on the bus home, and stupid little me answers, thinking maybe she’s ringing to apologise.
Instead, I hear her tell me that the appointment was last week, I've missed it, I'm irresponsible, and that I now don’t have a dentist because I also missed appointments over the summer. What summer appointments? I never made any. So now worried as hell, shaken up and a little pissed off, I hang up again. I have no idea whether or not this is all true, nor what I'm going to do if it is true.
But it’s fine, I think, I can work it out, there’s always a way right.
But then she texts me, tells me my appointment is in October. She LIED to me simply to cause me undue stress and to make me feel shit. And it worked, because now I'm sat scrunched up on the bus worrying over whether I did miss any appointments over the summer, and tired of the crap my mum pulls over me.
I feel like balls

This one is from the 20th

I've started crying again. I only just realised, I don’t know how long but at least every night this week I've come home and found myself crying sooner or later. This is different though, I know WHY I'm upset.
It’s because of my jerk off flatmate.
Her boyfriend is always here, I can’t shower when he’s here because he always comes out when I've finished, watching me walk to my room in just a towel. I've not showered since Sunday. Today is Thursday. I'm going to have to gather up the courage to shower sometime between now and morning. I guess I’ll have to try and wake up early. Of course even then there’s no guarantee that he won’t be here. I'm also scared that my flatmate will come out and say stuff to me when I'm not in the safety of my room.
At the moment she has at least three guys in the flat. I feel like I can’t even leave my room and I don’t know what I'm going to do when I need to pee later. I can’t even go out for a walk or anything because they’ll be watching me. They might even follow me. I heard her boyfriend just now telling her that ‘if she has any trouble, there’s a golf club here, and a bat over there’ I'm guessing in her room. So I'm scared of having my head bludgeoned in now. On top of everything else.
I'm tempted to blast music back at her. But I'm more mature than that. She called me immature yesterday. Because apparently I don’t clean the shared part of the flat. ‘How hard is it to pull out a hoover every once in a while’ she went. Well seeing as I DON’T HAVE A HOOVER AND GOD FORBID YOU LET ME USE YOURS, VERY EXTREEMLY HARD YOU FAG. Instead I clean the oven and do her washing up every now and then. But apparently she thinks the fairies do that. I told her I don’t use the rest of the damn flat. She said something about hair in the bathroom. I was so damn shocked at her. This last week I haven’t been able to run the tap in EITHER bathroom without the sink filling up because her hair is clogging it up. I don’t brush my hair in the bathroom because I don’t like leaving my room.
So today she’s paying me back. She got her hoover out (first time I've heard HER use it) and was shouting to her friends (people who fuck her) that she’ll teach me what a hoover is, and proceeded to bang the hoover into my door for five minutes. Then told them that she won’t hoover the outside of my door because she ‘doesn’t use that part of the flat’. Retarded, she hovered it BY WHACKING IT INTO MY DOOR. And she called ME immature. At least I don’t smoke weed in my flat and waste my money on fags and alcohol. At least I won’t be living off benefits for the rest of my life.
I'm a little bit stressed. I don’t want to wake up in the morning. But then again, I’d rather wake up early and get OUT OF HERE. I’d like to have more work so that I don’t have time to feel sad. But I have enough work now to stop me and I'm not doing anything. I don’t want people to know I'm not coping with her.

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